BREE
4:15
I came to.
“Jesus Christ!” Hades jumped theatrically.
I grimaced.
“Listen, make up your mind already. Are you with us or not?” Hades said.
“Exactly. One day I’m playing with dolls, and the next the big boys are dragging me around by my hair,” Mushu said.
Hades and Mushu stopped.
They exchanged a look.
“Although… for you, it’s all the same…
Pwahahaha!
They dragged you around by your hair back then too.
Pwahahaha!
Baby, you just can’t seem to break out of it. You really love your old patterns, don’t you?
Pwahahaha!”
I stood there with a stone face.
“Now Colin did a great job. Clean execution. That’s what I call regression to childhood.
Pwahahaha!”
“Are you done or not?!”
“Wait.”
They exchanged another look.
“There wasn’t even any rape. No wonder you’re unhappy.
Pwahahaha!”
I took a deep breath.
“Oh, come on, baby. Don’t pout.”
“Shut up.”
I stared at Caleb.
“Ooooh,” Hades said.
“Yeah… we need to tell the psycho.”
“And Nate is going to be so thrilled…
Pwahahaha!”
“Shut up!”
“Damn it. How the hell am I supposed to tell him?”
“Baby, I’ll take care of it!
Watch.”
Mushu pulled on a suit of battle armor.
“Caleb, darling…”
“What do you want?” Hades answered as Caleb.
“Oh, Caleb, you’re so rude. Hee-hee.”
Mushu theatrically raised a hand to his mouth in a girlish gesture, pretending to be shy.
“That’s why you love me.”
“Exactly, exactly.”
“Let’s hurry up and have sex that looks more like a beating.”
“Excellent idea.”
“Oh, maybe you could just beat me and be done with it.”
I grimaced.
“Will you shut up already?!”
“Baby, wait. We haven’t even gotten to the main part yet.”
“Dear God,” I said.
“Darling…”
Hades puffed out his stomach, pretending he had a little bump.
“I see you’ve gotten fat,” Mushu said.
“Hee-hee. No, darling.”
“Then what is it?”
“Drumroll…”
“Aaaand…”
“Ta-da!”
“I’m pregnant.”
Mushu, his heels flashing, jumped into the Jaguar and tore off.
No one ever saw our hero again.
Hades and Mushu bowed.
“Thank you for your attention.”
I grimaced.
“You can both go to hell.”
Deep breath.
5:06
“Caleb.”
I gently nudged him.
He woke as though he hadn’t been sleeping at all.
“I heard psychos only need three hours of sleep,” Hades said.
“Shut up!”
“And what do they do with the rest of their time?” Mushu asked.
“Kill people,” Hades and Mushu said in unison.
Pwahahaha!
I grimaced.
“Will you two just shut up?”
“Sweetheart.”
Caleb immediately pulled me into his arms.
I lowered my eyes.
“Caleb, listen. I wanted to tell you something.”
Caleb looked at my belly and gently rested his palm over it.
“I know.”
I sat down on the floor.
“What?!
But… but… you know?!”
Caleb smiled.
“Yes.”
“She’s getting dumber. Pregnant women get fluid in their brains and go stupid,” Hades said.
“Shut up!”
“And… what do you think?”
“I think it’s a girl.”
“What?!
What the hell?!”
I couldn’t believe my ears.
“And you’re not…
You…
You’re not scared?”
Caleb ran his hand over my hair.
I thought the bastard would look flawless even after the end of the world.
Hades rolled his eyes.
“He’ll fart, and she’ll come.”
“Exactly.”
Hades and Mushu lazily high-fived each other.
“I don’t know, sweetheart. I don’t know yet.”
“Have you known for long?”
“Yes.”
“What?!”
I stared at him.
“Why didn’t you tell me?!”
“There wasn’t time, little angel.”
Caleb gently kissed my hair.
I sat on the floor and stared at the wall.
Well, there you go.
I had been afraid his heart would stop.
“Sweetheart, this piece of shit doesn’t die that easy,” Hades said.
“Shut up.”
I stared at Caleb.
“What now?”
He thought for a moment.
“I don’t know yet, sweetheart.
I don’t know yet.”
“Caleb.”
“Mm?”
“Do you want a child?”
Tears glistened in Caleb’s eyes.
“More than anything in the world, sweetheart.”
I smiled.
Hades lit up.
He pulled on a long braid.
“Darling, you killed the last baby with an abortion. Are you sure you want this one?!”
Hades widened his eyes innocently.
Mushu, playing Caleb, theatrically raked a hand through his hair.
He stared intently into Hades’s eyes.
Then he slowly said,
“More than anything in the world, sweetheart.”
“Pwahahaha! What an idiot!”
Hades and Mushu were howling with laughter.
I grimaced.
“Idiots.”
“Of course, of course. Who are we compared to Her Majesty Miss Cuckoo?”
“Go to hell.”
“Whatever you say. Just don’t grab a knife. And if you decide to kick the bucket, give us a heads-up. We need to put it on YouTube.”
I waved them off.
“Idiots.”
“You’re not lying?”
Caleb wiped his nose.
“No.”
I thought for a moment.
“What should we name her, if she’s a girl?”
“Bree.”
I turned toward Caleb.
“Bree?!
What a hideous name.”
Caleb smirked.
“Get used to it, Kitten.”
Caleb wrapped his arms around me, and I started thinking.
“Philippa is such a beautiful name.
I’d like to call her Philippa.
Or Elizabeth.”
“Yeees.”
“Baby, you missed the joke. It’s revenge,” Hades and Mushu said, laughing themselves breathless.
“Caleb is a stupid name.
Bree is too.
He’s getting revenge.
Pwahahaha!”
“With a name like that, there’ll be nothing left.
Pwahahaha!”
“Will you both shut up?”
I narrowed my eyes.
“Aren’t you, Hades, the disgusting traitor who was on the side of darkness this entire time?”
Hades shifted awkwardly.
“Baby, they made me.”
I grimaced.
“I wonder who.”
“That’s not important.”
Hades theatrically pressed a hand to his forehead.
I waved him off.
“Caleb.”
“Mm?”
“How’s business?”
Caleb kissed me again.
“Sweetheart, don’t think about that.”
I understood that, translated, it meant:
We’re in such deep shit that I don’t know where we’re going to live or what we’re going to eat, but I’m hoping for the best.
I stared at Caleb.
He smiled.
“I love you, sweetheart.”
He curved an arm protectively around my belly.
“And you too, my little angel.”
He gazed dreamily at an imaginary horizon.
“My Bree…”
“My beloved girl.”
Caleb’s eyes filled with emotion.
“My daughter.”
I lifted my eyes to the sky.
“Damn, you’re such an idiot.”
God laughed from the heart.
A great, booming laugh.
I smirked.
All boys are the same.
Caleb held me tighter.
I pressed my whole body against him and fell asleep.
