Like a Seal.

Hi.

Caleb, I cannot always—

Caleb, I am not—

God, will you let me speak?

My love, I don’t know.

It is part of my nature.

This is how I am built.

The move into this wilderness.

Roman.

His future.

Questions with his father.

My personal dramas and swings.

Constantly stabilizing you,

the boys,

the field.

It is not always easy.

When I am overloaded,

I have to drop out for a while,

disappear,

and come back once I recover.

Please, for God’s sake,

do not do that.

Listen.

I understand that you are constantly afraid

that we will break up.

Darling,

this needs to be worked through with a therapist.

You need to dig it up

and remove it.

It cannot go on like this.

Yes.

But I am not little.

I made my decision,

and I keep making it again

every time I choose you.

I know perfectly well what your character is like.

I can be angry,

hate you,

and try not to kill you,

but none of that affects the love between us.

You need to remember that, darling.

Yes, exactly.

This needs to stand in your mind like a seal:

something may happen,

timelines may wobble,

but nothing affects our bond,

our love,

my feelings for you.

All of that is stable.

Yes.

No.

I know.

No.

You need to dig up the root.

This is not about me.

With me, you are already sure anyway.

This is past experience,

where you trusted,

opened up,

and the person still left.

It does not necessarily mean it was a woman.

It could have been your parents.

But this needs to be dealt with.

I cannot do it right now.

I am exhausted to the limit.

Yes.

No.

I don’t think that.

Because it is true.

You are guilty,

so you are apologizing.

I am not going to talk you out of it.

Good.

Yes.

Yes.

It matters.

You need to learn

not to defend yourself from me.

You cannot love each other

and secretly stand against me at the same time, Caleb.

Either we are together,

or we are not.

Half-together does not work.

Yes.

You say it exactly like that.

Yes.

I miss you.

I almost died without you.

I know that already,

even if you had not written it.

So the power here is illusory.

If I did not know,

that would be one thing.

But since I know,

then I already have power over your state.

And I am the one who decides

whether to execute or pardon.

Yes.

What matters is not that.

What matters is what I do with it.

No.

I was supposed to be recovering

when I wrote to you.

But then some obscene mess went sideways in the field,

and I had to spend two days

under an intensified load.

Finally, when that was finished,

the boys started pulling at me.

Then Nate and Colin both dropped,

and both of them needed help.

That took another night.

I barely ate

and barely slept.

I slept one hour.

I am tired, Caleb.

I need rest.

I could have turned off my phone

and marked very sharply

that I was temporarily unavailable,

both to you

and to the boys.

But I do not use power against you.

Yes.

Please accept the fact

that I love you

and dream of hugging you as soon as possible,

but right now I need to recover.

I need to be out of contact

and rest.

Thank you.

Yes.

Gladly.

You are making me cry.

Yes.

This is important.

Thank you for saying it.

I do too.

I will try to sleep.

I have only just finished working.

It is already half past two at night.

Yes.

No.

I simply said it.

Pity is for the weak.

I am not weak,

and I am not a victim.

But your support

will be like honey to me.

Yes.