Boys, hello.
I need you.
I am in a horrible state.
I am trying very hard not to strangle Roman’s father and not to lower myself to insulting that man.
I need your support and love.
Everyone — hug me.
Hold me in your arms like I’m little.
Kiss me.
Spoil me with gifts and pizza.
I adore pizza, but I don’t eat meat.
If you want meat, get it for yourselves.
I’ll have Margherita.
Roman adores sushi, so get him sushi.
I love you very much.
But I am not cooking today.
At all.
I do not want to do anything.
I am going to lie there and get warm in your arms.
And please peel a pomegranate for me.
And buy soft buns.
I adore soft buns.
But not pastries.
Brrr.
I hate them.
Oh, no.
Actually, get pastries and cake.
Politicians, Hollywood, medics, military, Arabs and Jews — now those are the sweet-toothed ones.
Real sweet tooths.
I hate apples, but I know you love them, so please get some apples.
Bananas too.
Oh, and can I have carrot salad, please?
I adore it.
Also zucchini fritters.
What else?
Grapes, yes.
Broccoli.
You actually eat that, right?
Fine.
Right, what else?
Oh, I don’t know.
This has already tired me out.
Let’s just get whatever everyone likes.
Just no soda.
Disgusting.
Ew, ew.
And all that burping.
Yes, yes, I understand that you think it is funny to tease me and scare me with a disgusting burp.
La Grande Vadrouille.
With Louis de Funès.
Okay, excellent.
Then let’s do 11.
You’ll make it.
Poker face.
I find it funny, yes.
I am aware that I do not care whether you make it or not.
You have to make it, even if it is not very convenient.
Right.
Those over 60, and those who cannot divorce because of religion —
Let me work a little magic.
Nothing too critical.
But, ummm, we’ll slightly switch the scandalous ladies off for today.
Let them get a little luckier today by accident.
Maybe a trip suddenly comes up.
Or some event.
In short, we will ship them off somewhere so we can have fun properly.
Good, it is working.
Guys, no, that is not true.
I do not despise you.
Gooooood, don’t cry.
No, no, I do not despise you.
Boys, if it weren’t for Russian law, I would have been married off by force so many times it’s a nightmare.
Religion is… well… a whole thing.
In short, I do not like religion.
So I understand how it can bind people.
And those of you who are not bound by religion but are simply afraid of your wives and afraid that, God forbid, your wives might find out you have my photos —
I do not despise you, boys.
If I am completely honest, it is not my business, and I have no right to judge you.
Do not think about it.
I love you just as much as everyone else.
Do not worry.
Come over.
Everything will be fine.
Everyone else whose dick is cramped from no sex and no jerking off —
Boys, I suggest we relax today.
I am tired myself, and I do not want to keep the field on a tight leash today.
We’ll misbehave a little today, all right?
Right, I think that is everything.
Oh, no.
Also, buy me sandals, pleaaaase.
I want new sandals.
Pink ones or blue ones.
Sparkly.
And with stiletto heels.
Choose something pretty.
And you can buy me some dresses too.
As soon as I recover, I will dress up and show off to you how pretty I look in your gifts.
All right.
I think that is everything.
I am hugging you.
Waiting for you with all my heart.