— What are we doing here?
— It’s quiet here.

A green island.
Beauty everywhere — not staged, but real, thick like mango juice running down your fingers.
The hills roll in soft waves, the earth breathes.
God, this must be Te Fiti.
What? — Hades.
Jesus, Te Fiti from Moana, haven’t you watched Moana?
All my guys stared at Hades with judgment.
He raised his hands in surrender.
Flowers everywhere — too bright to be real.
Take a picture of me — Hades put his hands on his hips.
Damn, you’re like my mom — Mushu.
And we burst out laughing.
The air smells like salt, grass, and something sweet you can’t name.
I know that smell — Hades
Really?
Yeah, that’s what dog shit smells like when it’s been lying there too long.
Jesus, that’s disgusting — I grimaced and laughed.
Despite everything, Hawaii gave me new air. Freshness.
It felt like my soul had been dressed in a new suit.
Light. My size. No one else’s expectations in the pockets.
Hawaii, ah Hawaii.
“Here you don’t want to speak loudly.
Here thoughts become quieter on their own.
Even the inner dialogue — suddenly sits down next to you and just looks at the horizon.” — I wrote in my Diary.
Yeah, and your ass doesn’t itch — Mushu.
God, you’re disgusting — I laughed again.
And mentally thanked Sam for lending his helicopter.
I hate commercial flights.
A couple of days should bring me back to life.
We are not achieving, not proving, not saving, not running.
We are just living.
A few days — without armor.
And maybe that alone was worth flying to the edge of the world.
Reception.
Thank God money works miracles.
No explanations, no check-in counter.
They took me straight to the villa.
No noise. No fuss.
Private beach.
Gated territory.
Silence that costs obscene amounts of money.
But I don’t care.
Peace is what matters.
Everywhere — disgustingly rich bastards.
You can spot them instantly. By the walk. By the way they look. By the way they hold their chin like the world is their private club.
— Maybe we should fuck someone? — Hades drawled lazily.
I sighed.
— Damn. Don’t remind me.
He snorted.
— Why not? The place invites it. But who? It’s all losers here.
— Exactly.
I undressed. Slowly. Without a show. Without playing games.
Just because I can.
— Maybe at least leave the panties on? — Hades.
I snorted irritably.
— Fine.
The beach. The wind salty, warm, lazy.
Damn, it’s beautiful here.
The ocean — like liquid glass.
The sand — almost white.
The horizon — too perfect to be real.
I lay down on the beach wearing only panties.
Not provocative.
Calm.
Whoever wants to look — let them look.
But it’s not even about them.
It’s about the fact that here, among all this luxury, I feel bored.
And somewhere inside a thought quietly stirred:
if there’s so much money around and not a single one makes my heart twitch — then it’s not about money at all.
Damn.
That turns me on now too.
Definitely not losers — Hades.
And we bumped fists.
The ocean roared evenly, like the breathing of a large beast.
The security discreetly lowered their eyes.
As if I were not a woman in black beaded panties, but a state secret.
Ten men.
Fully equipped.
In this heat.
Black suits, earpieces, armor under their shirts.
Standing with their backs to me — a perfectly aligned wall of testosterone and discipline.
Inside the villa — more security.
Plus the hotel’s private staff.
Good Lord.
But I’m calm.
In case someone suddenly gets the urge to stick it in again.
I don’t want to shake.
Let the guys do their job.
Black panties with beads. Cute.
I love my breasts.
Let them rest. When else will I let them out like this — under the sun, under the wind, under the ocean?
Yeah, better if someone were groping them instead — for example Nate… — Hades.
I rolled my eyes. God, don’t remind me of him, don’t remind me.
My curls warmed by the sun.
Skin — golden.
Cocktail after cocktail.
Yeah… someone’s about to seriously take off soon — Mushu.
I waved him off.
Screw you. If I want to drink, I drink. I’m a grown woman.
— Colin?
He appeared instantly, as if he had grown out of the sand.
— Miss.
— Find me a pretty dress. Mini, but not vulgar.
He froze. For a second his system glitched.
I laughed.
— Okay, okay. I’m joking. Call someone.
And the air exploded.
A rumble. A roar. Metal in the sky.
For fuck’s sake, that’s loud.
Colin instantly started covering me with a towel, shielding my shoulders as if the sun had suddenly become a threat.
Everyone drew their weapons.
Click. Click. Click.
— Easy, easy, guys.
— Stand down. Stand down.
I smiled.
I know that style.
Codie.
The sand shot up, the wind tore through my hair, the security still on edge — and I could already feel something inside me breaking.
Tears started streaming down my face.
— Damn. What are you doing here?
She looked me over and smirked.
— Decided to stare at your tits.
I burst out laughing through the tears.
— Well, here they are.
Colin blushed and quickly turned away.
So touching it was almost funny.
We laughed — easy, loud, real.
Codie, of course, couldn’t resist.
— Such a big boy… and you’re shy?
The head of security, who a second ago had his hand on his holster, now looked like he’d been caught doing something awkward.
Colin smiled.
— Hello, Miss.
Steel back in his voice. System restored.
We went to sunbathe.
The sand warm. The ocean breathing evenly. Security at a distance — a perfect semicircle of discipline.
I lit a cigarette. Slowly.
The sun slid across my shoulders.
Codie lay down beside me, propped up on one elbow.
— Will you go into town with me? I need a dress for tonight.
— Of course.
She didn’t hesitate for a second.
— I’m dying to go dancing.

The local shop turned out to be exactly what I needed.
No pretension. No glass displays with yacht-sized price tags.
Just taste. Just attitude.
I bought four dresses.
Mini.
One with a neckline that made even the mannequin look embarrassed.
A pleated skirt — innocence that knows it isn’t innocent.
A top — short, almost insolent.
And heels. Sharp. Like character.
Codie approved every choice with a predator’s gaze.
We walked back on foot.
God, it’s beautiful here.
— Don’t even start.
Mountains in haze. Palms swaying lazily. The sunset dialed up to maximum on purpose.
A sight, really.
Codie and I were clearly a little drunk already.
Walking, leaning on each other.
I was yelling something at the sky.
Codie yelling too — either with me or at me.
Behind us — two serious cars.
Black. Heavy.
The guys inside tight, like before a raid.
Security on the verge of losing it.
But work is work.
Suddenly I wailed — theatrically, dramatically.
— What’s wrong with you?
— Oh… I’ve been locked up for four months already!
She burst out laughing.
— Missing Nate?
I sighed.
If there’s anyone I can tell the truth to, it’s Codie.
— Not really… Nate went somewhere wrong. Everything’s wrong. He doesn’t even feel like my Nate anymore. What the hell do I need a firefighter… a loser for?
She raised an eyebrow. Slowly. Dangerously.
And I confessed.
— I can’t help it. Before, when he was closing round after round… my legs would cramp. Damn. Just thinking about how much he earned could make me come.
I laughed.
What an idiot. That’s exactly what he used to do.
He’d walk in. Papers in hand.
Thursday — numbers.
Friday — numbers.
Saturday — numbers.
And that was it. That’s how he’d drive me into ecstasy.
Codie didn’t interrupt.
Just spread her hands like, go on.
— You get it? It’s not about money. It’s about scale. About fire.
Nate was so hot, such a predator. The way he closed deals — God, the way he growled. That was my Nate. And a firefighter, Codie, a firefighter — damn, who’s going to fuck a firefighter?
— I am, Codie said.
I laughed.
— Not me, Codie. Me. I can’t. How am I supposed to respect him if he’s not a winner anymore? Who is he now — a volunteer? Helping people?
I spat in disgust.
Codie raised an eyebrow.
— Damn, come on, you know me. I think people should be helped. But volunteering now?
I’m not like that. And Nate’s not like that. We both love luxury, big money.
Ahhhh.
I stopped, staring at the sunset.
— And now… it’s like someone turned the volume down. He became comfortable. Toothless. Too proper. And proper men don’t make me shake.
Now my Nate is such a good boy.
Brrr.
Codie smirked quietly.
I smiled slowly.
A car door slammed behind us — one of the security guys stepping out, checking the perimeter.
Serious faces. Precise movements.
And we were standing in the middle of a paradise island — drunk, beautiful, loud.
And suddenly I realized.
It’s that I want more.
I always want more.
I love scale. I need someone who matches it.
— I can’t help it. When he wins… when he has no equal… it drives me insane. Nate-the-winner — that’s Nate. Not Nate-the-loser-firefighter.
I snorted.
— Damn, how much do they even make? Pennies.
Codie smirked.
— And after that they say women don’t need money from men?
I burst out laughing.
— Oh, Codie! Damn, that’s just me. I need him powerful. Dangerous.
I stopped. Something tightened in my chest.
— God… I miss him so much.
And then I shut up.
My lips spoke faster than my head could build a defense.
Codie burst out laughing.
— So that’s how it is.
I exhaled.
— Yeah. But that’s in the past. Let him put out fires. He wasted all his potential on that shit. How can you take all that power… and waste it on that shit? God, how stupid. That’s Nate. That kind of power. That kind of sex. And… a firefighter?!
Codie nodded, but her gaze grew more serious.
— Fighter jets?
My knees almost gave out.
Fighter jets.
I flew in a fighter jet when Roman was two. Back then it was already clear — you have to choose. This isn’t a toy. It’s not something you “try.” It’s brotherhood, discipline, responsibility. You don’t just play with that.
I swallowed.
— Fighter jets suit Nate. That’s his element. But there you have to know how to obey. And Nate is stubborn. If he starts playing games and crashes a jet — he’ll let the team down. No amount of money will fix that. That’s a matter of brotherhood.
— You think he can’t handle it?
I looked at the sunset.
— I don’t know, Codie. I really don’t know.
A pause.
Then I smirked, sharply switching tone:
— Right now I’m only thinking about who I could sleep with. I’m dying for sex. I need a predator. All these guys… such losers.
And I started mocking their walk, their pompous gestures:
— “I own a hotel, I own restaurants, I own… a baboon’s ass.”
Codie doubled over laughing.
We walked, swaying, beautiful, loud, alive.
Behind us — cars, security, serious faces.
Ahead — the sunset, music in my head, and one simple truth:
I don’t need status.
Not a profession.
Not “proper.”
I need the one who makes my legs give out.
And knows how to fuck properly.

Finally, the villa.
I decided to take one last swim.
In the cool water.
But this time — naked.
I gave security a heart attack.
The panties came off right by the ocean.
Someone behind me sharply inhaled.
Colin demonstratively stared at the horizon.
And the divine cold water took me whole.
Sharp.
Clean.
Completely.
My body switched on instantly.
Skin flared.
Nipples tightened from the cold.
God, it feels good.
Freedom — it’s like that.
Naked. And a little reckless.
— You coming? — Codie shouted from the balcony.
— Yeah, one second!
I stepped out of the water. Slowly. Calmly.
Water ran down my thighs, over my stomach, over my chest.
Let them look. Their job is stressful.
I pulled my panties back on.
— Colin.
— Miss.
— Please, carry me in your arms.
Not a trace of hesitation.
He nodded.
And I wrapped my arms around his neck. His hands — strong, warm, steady.
God bless men.
What could be better than being in strong hands?
— Thank you, dear.
He just gave a short nod — as if I’d asked him to hand me a napkin, not to carry a nearly naked woman across the villa courtyard.
And I laughed.
If Nate finds out someone touched me like that…
God, since when is he so jealous?
Whatever.
I walked into the room.
Codie was already in makeup.
I beamed. And suddenly burst into tears.
— You are so beautiful!
She smiled and hugged me. No drama. Just her way.
I washed my face.
A little blush.
A touch of shadow.
Though damn… I’m not going dancing without a smoky eye.
I blended black smoke slowly, almost meditatively.
My eyes grew deeper. More dangerous.
The villa filled back up with music.
My favorite.
Glass Animals — Youth.
I screamed with joy.
And Codie and I started dancing and fooling around in front of the mirror like girls.
The mini fit me like it had been made for this night.
The skirt short, but not vulgar.
My legs — endless.
I dabbed whiskey on my wrists. Like a mark.
The warm scent mixed with my skin.
Not perfume.
A trace.
— Ready?
Codie watched me through the mirror.
I nodded.
Inside there were no doubts anymore. No Nate. No talks about potential.
Just the night.
Music.
And the feeling that everything in me reacts.

The bar.
The music was incredible — I’d never heard anything like it.
Deep beat, warm bass, a voice that felt like it was whispering right into your neck.
Not club pretension, but something real. Physical.
The locals — kind. Smiles sincere, not polished.
But elite is elite.
Plenty of assholes with their expensive toys.
Watches shining brighter than their eyes. Cars standing like peacocks.
I lit a cigarette.
Girls joined us.
Codie and I lit up — it’s always great meeting new people.
No tension.
Conversation flowed effortlessly.
So warm. So easy.
I felt myself relaxing.
Something inside growing warm.
We went dancing.
I dance the way I always do — eyes closed.
I need to feel the music.
I need to hear it.
Soft swaying of hips.
Shoulders. Neck.
I dissolve.
Then the track changed — and we started jumping like kids.
Laughing. Shouting.
The cocktails had done their job.
And suddenly I needed to pee.
Security immediately jumped up.
Five guys instantly closed the perimeter.
Codie burst out laughing.
I shrugged and laughed back.
I sat in the bathroom.
Peeing.
And thinking. Thinking.
But I didn’t even understand about what.
Thoughts like bubbles.
About everything. About nothing.
I stepped out.
Oh damn.
I didn’t even have to lift my eyes.
God.
Nate.
He was standing right in front of me.
That silhouette. That posture.
The air around him felt denser.
Damn, how does he always know where I am?
Nate reached out his hand.
— Kitten.
Tears started streaming down my face.
As always — flawless. Beautiful.
Tall, with those eyes and those hands.
God.
I gestured to security.
— Remove him.
— Baby, please…
I closed my eyes.
Pull yourself together, Nazokat.
He’s not doing this for you.
He’s thinking about himself.
Only himself.
Don’t react.
Hades had bitten his nails down.
God, we need to sleep with him.
No, no — I looked at myself in the mirror.
Come on, Nazokat, pull yourself together. Nate knows exactly what he’s doing.
Why didn’t he show up earlier?
You know why. He knows you’ll be drunk. Vulnerable.
Don’t believe him.
Pull yourself together.
I opened my eyes.
And still my heart was pounding like I was that girl again — the one whose legs would cramp from his victories.
Damn it. Nate.
— And what about Caleb? — Hades drawled lazily.
I slowed down.
Caleb.
Too good.
Too warm.
Too… safe.
— I think he’s too good. He needs… — I stopped.
Who does he need?
The one who bakes cookies on Sundays?
The one who happily chooses a park over a club?
The one whose heart doesn’t twitch at the sound of engines and the smell of risk?
I took out my phone.
— Let’s just ask him.
Ringing.
— Hello?
— Hi.
Caleb lit up instantly. You could hear it in his breath.
Like someone switched the sun on.
I blushed.
God, he’s so sweet.
— Caleb… I’m a little worried.
— About what exactly, sweetheart?
I took a breath.
— I think you want a big, healthy family. Weekends in the park… movie nights… coziness. Simplicity.
Pause.
He went quiet.
Not offended. Not interrupting.
Just listening.
“I’m not sure I can give that,” I said honestly. “I’m afraid that kind of life would get boring for me very quickly.”
The silence grew dense.
There was no accusation in it.
Only understanding.
And that made it heavier.
Caleb was still silent.
He didn’t try to convince me.
Didn’t start persuading.
I hung up.

Riding in a pickup.
Right in the truck bed. Like a normal person.
Warm wind in my face. Hair messy.
The city behind. The ocean in the distance.
And finally the Devil and Hades showed up.
Leg crossed over leg — all three of us in the back.
A dog on the side.
Some ancient mutt. Either blind or just so old that age had wrapped itself around her.
She looked like she’d survived three wars and two divorces.
Hades pushed her away with his foot in disgust.
— Damn, she reeks… I hope she doesn’t drop dead right here.
I started laughing.
The dog really did look like life had let her go a long time ago, and she was still riding.
The Devil suddenly pulled out an air horn — sharp, disgusting.
The dog, terrified, shit herself.
I was bent over laughing.
Hades actually started gagging from disgust.
— I did not sign up for this! — he howled.
The truck kept going.
Wind, dust, the smell of dog and chaos.
The Devil and I couldn’t stop laughing.
It was hysteria by that point.
— What do you think? — Mushu asked quietly.
I jumped off the truck bed when it stopped.
— Hell if I know. I need to blow off some steam first.
I took out my phone.
— Hi. Listen, you do private services, right?
Polite silence on the other end.
— Yes, miss.
— Find me a guy.
— God, how low do you have to fall, — Hades muttered.
— Fuck off, — I flipped him off.
— Miss?
— Tall. Blue… no, better green eyes. I love green eyes. Not blond. Dark hair. Brown hair, not jet black. Strong. Not feminine. Short haircut. Not much of a talker.
— Better mute, — Hades.
I laughed.
Pause.
— Understood, miss.
I hung up.
A strange feeling inside.
Not despair.
Not pain.
More like a challenge.
The Devil smirked.
— A test?
I looked up at the sky.
— No. A release.

There was a knock at the door.
— Keep your men close. Even if I nod — two of them stay where they can’t be seen.
The head of security nodded. Not a single extra word.
I exhaled.
Honestly — I’m rich. Drunk. And completely alone.
And that’s a dangerous combination.
Who knows what’s on the guy’s mind.
The door opened.
A young guy walked in.
I smiled.
So sweet.
And instantly I felt sad.
His gaze was too kind for this industry.
Too clean.
Damn, how did he end up here?
Clearly not from a good life, — Hades said.
I nodded.
— Hello, miss.
— Hi.
I poured us a drink.
— How old are you?
— Twenty-one.
My eyes nearly popped out.
— Damn. Twenty-one?
I paused.
And the spirits, true to themselves, clarified it.
Something clicked inside.
— What happened to her?
He looked confused.
— What do you mean, miss?
I studied him carefully.
— Let’s do this.
I handed him the whiskey.
— You’re never going to see me again anyway. Whether I decide you’re a loser or not — what does it matter?
He nodded.
— What happened to your mom?
He froze.
— How do you know?
— It’s written all over your face.
— For those who know how to read, — Hades put on imaginary Ray-Bans.
I laughed.
The guy lowered his eyes.
— My mom is sick.
— I didn’t have time. I had to speed this up a little.
— How long?
— Five years.
I nodded.
— What do the doctors say?
He started:
— They say…
I raised my hand for him to stop.
I took out my phone.
— Sam.
— Hi.
— Please find a place and send a plane to Hawaii.
I raised an eyebrow and looked at him.
— We’re in Hawaii, right?
— Yes, miss.
— Perfect.
Sam laughed.
— Do you know how much that’s going to cost?
— What else is money for?
He laughed again.
— Alright. I’ll handle it. For now.
I hung up.
Silence.
The guy was staring at me like he couldn’t believe the call had been real.
I stepped closer to him.
— They’ll arrange everything for your mom. If there’s any chance at all, Sam will get her out of it. Even if it takes a miracle.
— Really?
The guy lit up.
— Really.
I smiled.

2:16.
I looked at the clock.
— Miss.
Security woke me up.
— What the hell?
— That guy is here to see you.
I rolled my eyes.
— Oh great. Now comes the tearful gratitude speech,” Hades drawled.
— Exactly.
We bumped fists, exhausted.
— Let him in.
The door opened.
The guy rushed straight into my arms.
— Miss! I can’t believe they already operated on my mom!
I put on my most surprised face.
— Really?
And calmly poured myself some whiskey.
— Want some?
— No, miss.
He was glowing. Breathing fast. Almost choking on happiness.
— I’m so happy… I can’t even breathe…
I rolled my eyes.
Damn my bleeding heart.
— Listen. What about your career?
“Damn it, leave him alone. Let him at least achieve something on his own,” Hades muttered.
I waved him off.
— I want to become a doctor, miss.
— I see. You want to? Or do you have a plan?
He hesitated.
There was the answer.
A dream without a plan is just beautiful pain.
I ran the numbers in my head.
Tuition. Years. Loans.
What it would cost him.
What he would sacrifice.
His entire youth — spent surviving.
“If he even makes it. I doubt they pay well here,” Hades added.
I nodded.
“What a mess,” Hades muttered.
— No kidding.
— What about a girlfriend?
He shook his head.
— There isn’t one.
— Or she doesn’t love you back?
— No, miss.
I nodded.
— Pack your things. You’re going to New York.
He froze.
— Miss?..
I rolled my eyes.
— Damn. Where else were you planning to study?
He burst into tears.
I felt so sorry for him.
He’s still a child. Twenty-one.
Too young for that kind of face.
Thank God I can help him.
— You really mean it, miss? You’re telling the truth?
— Listen, kid. Your mom’s been taken care of, right?
“Taken care of? Damn it, tell him the truth!” Hades said.
I wiped away a tear before Logan could see.
His mother clearly won’t last long. The surgery is only delaying the inevitable.
Poor kid. He loves her so much.
A few more months. Maybe half a year.
Then she’ll be gone.
Damn.
The boy nodded, sniffling.
— Yes.
— There you go. Nothing left to be afraid of.
“Of course, he could be afraid that you’ll ask for something in return. But come on — you know what kind of situation this is.” Hades and Mushu were already cracking up.
— Ha-ha. Idiots.
I looked at him seriously.
— Yes. I’m serious. By the way, what’s your name?
— Logan.
— Listen, Logan. You don’t look like that kind of guy. But I still have to say it.
I stood up and stepped closer.
— I’m kind. As long as everything is done with honor and dignity. If I find out you’re abusing my trust…
I raised an eyebrow.
Logan went pale.
— No, no, miss. Please, believe me. No.
I spread my hands.
— Time will tell.
He nodded like it was a vow.
I looked at him and thought:
There you go again, Nazokat. You’re an idiot. Always saving people who never asked to be saved.
What the hell for?
You could’ve just given him money and that would’ve been it.
No. You always have to save men.
I took a sip of whiskey.
Yes, that’s who I am. I adore men. I can’t not help them.
I wonder when one of them will help you?
I waved the thought away.
Damn. You know what I mean. It’ll be good if the guy doesn’t take advantage of all this.
All men think only about themselves.
That’s not true!
It is. And you know it. Until you tell them straight that you’re dying, they won’t even notice.
Get lost.
We’ll see if this one turns out to be the exception. Saving men is a very thankless job, my dear.
I took another sip of whiskey.
Maybe. But damn it, that’s how I’m built. I can’t help boys.
I just can’t.
…
Logan came back.
— Miss…
I raised my hand.
He froze.
— Logan. I’m not like that. This was a necessary measure.
He nodded, not fully understanding, but already tense.
— There will be no sex.
Silence.
Everything slowly drained from his face — expectation, awkwardness, maybe even relief.
— Get yourself together.
I looked him over from head to toe.
— By morning you’ll be put together. Shaved. Clean. Properly dressed.
He stood there like a soldier who had just received his first assignment.
— Understood, miss.
I nodded.
— That’s all. Go.
Logan.
He turned.
— Don’t tell anyone except your closest family. Not friends. Not some girl. No one unnecessary.

6:14.
The plane.
— Hi.
— Hi.
He was still sleepy, but collected.
— Listen carefully.
I didn’t raise my voice.
— Don’t argue with me. While you’re studying, you’ll do everything I say.
Any woman — you clear with me.
Never drink from open bottles.
Only drink what you bought yourself and opened personally.
Don’t carry anything behind my back. Don’t talk.
Keep your mouth shut.
He looks at me seriously.
— Sign it.
— What is it, miss?
— A non-disclosure agreement. About our conversations. And everything you’ll see in the estate or the house.
He doesn’t even read it.
— As you say, miss.
Something inside me tightened.
— Oooh, old wound, — Hades perked up.
— Shut up.
The plane landed.
Silence on the runway. Morning air — colder than Hawaii. Sharper.
We stepped out.
— This is the estate. The main house.
He looked around — not theatrically, but the scale clearly impressed him.
— Don’t approach the girls. Especially not my daughters.
You’re not to be seen or heard.
You’re a good-looking guy — the girls will start squealing.
I pressed him against the wall. Not angry. But firm.
— Logan. The chance you’ve been given doesn’t come twice.
He nodded.     
Дб 
I let him go.
— Go sleep. Your room is next to mine.
— Logan.
He lifted his eyes.
— Yes, miss?
— Breathe for a couple of days.
Then you’ll start intensive preparation.
He nodded.
There’s no confusion left in his gaze.
Only tension. And resolve.
— That’s all. Go sleep.
He walked down the corridor.
And I stayed in the silence of the estate, listening to the house accept a new person.
Hades smirked.
— You’re not just kind.
I looked out the window at the sunrise.
— No.
What if this boy brings us a mountain of trouble?
I’ll deal with it as it comes.
…
I called Sebastian. I was tired.
— Miss.
— I’m dying for something to eat. Please tell me there’s something left.
He nodded.
Ten minutes later — pizza.
I groaned, grabbing a slice.
— Do you know you’re the best?
Sebastian barely smiled.
— May I go, miss?
— Of course.
…
— Miss.
— Miiiiiss.
— Damn it, what?!
I opened my eyes. I’d fallen asleep on the couch.
— What?
— You have a visitor.
— Oh God. Send him away. Tell him I died.
— Some lawyer came. One of your suitors.
I pulled on a small smile.
— Hi.
— Hello.
He beamed.
— You look stunning.
And rushed to kiss my hand.
Yes, yes, thank you. Now my hand is covered in saliva.
— What did you want?
— I… I wanted to ask you out on a date.
I stopped myself from rolling my eyes.
— Thank you. But you know… I’m not sure that’s a good idea.
He raised an eyebrow.
I sighed, tired.
— You see, I’m not sure you’re not idealizing me.
— What do you mean?
— Why didn’t things work out with other women?
— None of them were right. I was waiting for you.
Of course.
— And what exactly about me attracts you so much?
— You’re beautiful.
I clenched my jaw so I wouldn’t roll my eyes.
— You know, beauty doesn’t carry a relationship very far. How exactly do you see a relationship with me?
— Oh, we’ll travel a lot, walk together, build businesses together…
— I see. And what happens if I become nervous, irritable, dissatisfied, angry? Or if I’m not that beautiful anymore?
He swallowed.
I continued.
— Marriage isn’t solved by just finding the “right person.” Maybe I fit you. But do you fit me? How exactly do you plan to invest in me? In the relationship? Or do you think everything will just fall from the sky? You’ll work all the time while I sit like an obedient little sheep? Or you’ll neglect me and we’ll still call it “love”?
Silence.
— How exactly do you plan to invest in a relationship?
He was stunned.
I was so tired. I didn’t have the energy to pretend to be an angel.
Eventually he left.
I whispered:
— Thank God. Thank God.
I exhaled.
I need a walk.
— Come on, Nazokat. Otherwise we won’t sleep. We need to clear your head.
— Fine.
The night air was cold. Clean.
— Cigarette?
— Of course.
I smiled. My inner crew — even though they’re complete bastards — never leave me alone.
— What do you think?
— I want to fuck. I’m dying for sex.
Hades snorted.
— What about our important asses?
I howled:
— Aaaah! I’m so sick of them! They’ve imagined some grand marriage with me, and they’re still the same idiots they always were!
I mimicked each of them:
“Miss, uh, you’re so beautiful and so smart, so I decided we’re meant to be in love.”
Hades burst out laughing.
— Idiots.
— Yeah.
We bumped fists.
Silence.
The cigarette burned down.
My head cleared a little.
I need scale.
— What about Nate?
I exhaled.
— Oh, Nate… Damn, that man is hot. If I could just switch off part of his wiring and leave only the sex — it would be perfect.
— Woman, you’re a sexist.
I shrugged.
— Yeah. Probably.
— And Caleb?
— Oh, Caleb is hot too, damn.
— Then sleep with one of them.
I rolled my eyes.
— Damn, like you don’t know. And then what? You think there won’t be consequences? Caleb sees me as an angel. The second he sees what I’m capable of in my darker state — his eyes will pop out.
— And Nate?
I smirked.
— Oh, with Nate I could have sex on repeat. But it seems that’s all he can really offer.
— What? What about putting out fires?!
I laughed.
— Oh right. Putting out fires too.
I narrowed my eyes.
— How did I end up with no-strings sex?
Hades spread his hands.
— You’ve always been lustful.
I took a drag of my cigarette.
— True. I can’t help it. Without sex I wither and die.
I shrugged.
— So here we are: plenty of men, zero sex.
— What have women become…
— Tell me about it. It’s like the eighteenth century — cut off the clitoris and now arousal doesn’t bother a woman anymore.
— Maybe you should go too?
I burst out laughing.
— No. No-no-no.
I stopped, staring into the dark sky.
Suddenly I felt ashamed. I don’t remember ever really caring about Nate’s intellect. He’s more like my favorite toy.
Damn. I felt so ashamed.
— Seriously? — Hades said.
I sighed.
— I don’t really discuss my thoughts or problems with Nate. I don’t think he’s capable of understanding them.
— So Nate is dumb?
— Well… not exactly. But he’s much simpler. I’m afraid that if I tell him something, I’ll have to spend a year explaining what I actually meant. I’ll waste all my energy clarifying what I was implying.
Hades nodded.
Damn.
— You don’t need a dick. You need energy.
I nodded.
— But not just energy. I need a guy whose brain actually works. I can’t sleep with just a body. I need intelligence.
The cigarette burned down to the filter.
And the night suddenly grew quieter.
And inside — I was still hungry.
Damn, damn, damn.
God, what kind of demands are these? Why can’t I just sleep with someone?
Aaaah!
I shouted into the air.
I need a man with a brain.
Is that really so much to ask?
Damn, is it?
— And what about sex?
I waved dismissively.
Even the most powerful guys fuck like teenagers. It’s a nightmare. They all need lessons on how to fuck a woman.
As if porn were a manual.
Aaaah.
— Do you think we’ll find one?
I spread my hands.
— Well, Nate does know how.
So that means there’s a chance someone else out there actually knows how to do it right too.
— Yeah, well… — Hades muttered.
— Yeah, well, — I repeated out loud.