Nate?
Sweetheart.
I came out of the bathroom already in darkness.
Everything in me demanded his submission.
I threw my head back.
I’m in lingerie. I’m holding a whip.
I want to hit him.
But I keep her under control.
Let me out-Nazokat.
No, I said.
You’re allowed out only in measured doses.
Then integrate me.
You’re pushing it.
She smirked.
I struck Nate hard across the face.
Everything in me ignited, and I folded in half,
breaking apart from the intensity,
dying from ecstasy.
Damn. This isn’t good.
Why? — she pretended not to understand.
You know damn well why.
I threw my head back.
She took control
and began to circle.
What a bad boy.
Stupid little boy.
You love her power.
Nate smirked.
I’ll handle it
She laughed — wild, unhinged.
What do you know about that?
Nate straightened, threw his head back, synchronizing with her.
I bent over again, shaking with arousal, unable to contain the energy.
Nate stood upright — collected, solid, strong.
Blood glistened at the corner of his mouth.
She tried to breathe, but the sight of blood drives her mad.
Pleasure fused with pain, and I lost count of the waves tearing through me.
He pressed me against the wall.
She got angry and spat in his face.
He wiped it away and smirked.
I started shaking — his shadow was stronger than mine.
The only thing that mattered was not crossing the line.
I took the reins back and tried to pull Nate away.
Sweetheart.
He stood there, eyes completely glassy.
Nate.
Nate.
I shook him by the shoulders.
Sweetheart, — he blinked, coming back.
Nate, this isn’t good.
What are you talking about, kitten?
Nate, this isn’t good. This really isn’t good.
We need to stop.
He said nothing.
Nate, the shadow is slipping into darkness.
He assured me he didn’t mind.
You don’t understand.
This isn’t a joke. The shadow aspect has to be integrated — not destructive.
I have a need to dominate, and I use alcohol to release it. That’s not normal.
Because it was suppressed for so long, it’s coming out in a distorted form.
He thought.
I love controlling you. I like it when your darkness submits to me.
But it can’t be through violence.
If violence starts now, it becomes a norm.
And then it spreads — to other people, to other areas.
That’s not allowed, Nate.
But it’s sex.
No. It’s not just sex. These are my boundaries.
If I cross this line here, I’ll start crossing it everywhere.
That’s not allowed.
He fell silent.
Nate. Pause.
Honestly, I’m scared that your shadow will take over — and you’ll hit me.
What are you talking about, sweetheart?
I feel it. She needs a mirror.
At some point, you will hit me.
He stepped back.
I froze, not knowing where to put myself.
Sweetheart, I’ll integrate my aspect in the healthiest way possible.
But I need your permission.
…?
Let me direct you.
He nodded.
I hate having to think. I’m like this, sweetheart. You should submit.
He thought for a moment, then smirked.
As you say.
I threw my head back, aroused —
his submission turns me on unbearably.
And then I exhaled.
I realized it had been a test.
His darkness settled.
It no longer demanded retaliation.
It no longer needed him to strike back.
Kitten.
I laughed.
I knew exactly what he meant.
Please — let’s talk about this in advance.
He hesitated.
I’m not against it, Nate. But there have to be boundaries.
Hard sex is serious for me.
As you say.
Nate.
Yes?
Have you ever tried anything like this before?
No.
Then why does it pull you toward this?
He bent forward sharply.
Fuck, I muttered.
Too late.
Nate’s darkness took control.
His eyes turned dark blue.
He gathered himself — and I felt real fear.
Nate. Nate. Nate.
He didn’t hear me.
Damn. Damn. Damn.
Nate, — I backed into the corner, bracing myself.
Nate.
He rolled his neck, preparing for exactly what I fear most.
Nate. Nate.
He came closer, slowly —
and with every step, the fear grew.
Damn.
There was no way out.
I gathered myself.
Aligned.
Stood at my full height.
Nate.
He tilted his head the way animals do.
He recognized my darkness.
Which meant it had power over him.
Why do you need this?
It’s her fault.
I forced myself not to tremble.
Who?
My mother.
Fuck.
I knew it.
I circled him slowly, like a shark.
I couldn’t touch him.
This wasn’t a shadow aspect. This was trauma.
I’m not your mother.
What’s the difference? — the voice was steel-hard, rough. Not Nate.
Why are you taking revenge on her?
She betrayed me. She left me. She wasn’t there.
My stomach clenched and I threw up.
The sight of it made me vomit again.
Filth remained on the floor. It was revolting.
Nate lightened just a fraction.
So it works.
Good. There’s a plan.
What if he’s not ready? — my mind screamed like a mad thing, and weakness surged.
They were trying to shut the body down, to make me lose consciousness.
No. Don’t. I can handle it.
You can’t treat him, for fuck’s sake.
I can. I already am.
We circled each other like sharks — I slowly, him even slower.
Nate, what did she do?
I swallowed.
Don’t pull it out of him, you fucking idiot, you’ll break him.
Shut up. If this surfaced, it means his psyche is ready to cleanse itself. His mind wouldn’t have let this surface if he weren’t ready.
Nate, I began carefully.
In children, trauma is only consciously recognized later in life. As a child, your memory simply erases it so you don’t go insane.
His eyes were glassy, his gaze feral. He wasn’t thinking anymore.
Damn. Damn.
Alright.
Did anyone touch you when you were a child?
No.
Maybe someone stroked you where they shouldn’t have?
No.
Fuck. Then what am I supposed to find?
Alright.
I grabbed a bottle and smashed it against the dresser.
What do you want? Do you want to hurt me?
He snapped back sharply.
No. No, sweetheart. Never, kitten.
And I hit him with all my strength.
Blood smeared the wall, and he snapped back into control instantly.
Perfect.
He spat blood
and grabbed me by the jaw.
Good. That means he’s about to hit me in the stomach.
But it didn’t happen.
Instead, he turned suddenly, and I barely managed to dodge.
Nate.
What the hell — why do you want to take revenge on her?
He tilted his head. Tears poured like a river as he dropped to his knees.
She left me alone.
I needed her.
She wasn’t there.
Pity him, my mind snapped.
No. Not now, — me.
I kicked him.
He fell and stayed down.
Rage surged through me.
Get up.
No reaction.
What if he can’t handle it? — my mind again.
Then I’ll pull both of them through.
I exhaled.
I was ready. If he hit me, at least we’d close this chapter.
I kicked him again.
Get up, damn you.
He curled into a fetal position.
Good. You’re doing great, Nate. Great.
Support him.
I can’t. It’s too early.
I hit him again.
He shielded himself, not fighting back.
Fuck.
So she beat him.
Tears streamed down my face, but I wiped them away immediately.
Not now. Not now.
Nate.
I crouched beside him
and put my hand on his head.
He turned and slapped me.
I almost lost consciousness.
Everything went dark.
Nate.
I’m not her.
What’s the difference?
He advanced on me.
And I had to fight the person I love more than anyone in the world.
Pull yourself together. This isn’t Nate — it’s his trauma. You’re not his wife. You’re his mother. And he will take revenge.
He stepped in and punched me in the stomach.
I folded, collapsing, dying from pain.
Blood burst from my mouth.
Damn you, Nate.
Don’t call me that.
I smiled crookedly.
Good. Almost done. We just have to finish it.
Come on, Nazokat. This isn’t your first time.
I tried to get up. I couldn’t.
He grabbed me by the hair.
What will this change, Derek?
He shook his head.
Power woke up inside me.
It wasn’t mine.
It was male.
I kicked him in the stomach and he fell.
He began crawling backward into the corner.
Perfect. So that’s what he did as a child.
I pressed forward.
I smashed another bottle and stepped fully into her mode.
I needed to recreate his childhood.
And I gave the wheel to the spirit.
I swung the bottle.
I’ll cut you. I’ll cut you.
He started shielding himself with his hands.
Mom, don’t.
You bastard. I’ll cut you.
Nate’s pupils began to roll back.
Fuck. His body can’t take it.
It’s about to shut him down.
Fuck, fuck — we need to speed this up.
I grabbed his hair and dragged him.
He screamed but didn’t resist.
So this is what she did.
I strapped him down while he was half-conscious.
Thank God — Cody’s New Year’s gift arrived, by the way.
He was immobilized. His psyche was fragmenting — switching between Derek and Nate.
I started beating him.
I needed to bring him to that stage.
Finally there was so much blood that his face swelled.
I was sobbing, but there was no alternative.
If I didn’t introduce this now, I don’t know what would happen — and the session had to be closed.
Nate.
No reaction.
Derek.
He raised his head.
You have to leave.
Why would I?
Because Nate doesn’t need you anymore.
Ha. That’s not for you to decide.
Listen here, you bastard, — I grabbed his jaw.
His mother. His life. That’s my responsibility. He survived this. He grew up. He doesn’t need you anymore.
He spat blood and laughed like a madman.
And what about his daddy? That bastard was no better.
I thought.
Let’s do this: you help me — and we both breathe out. You don’t want to torture Nate, do you?
He nodded.
I’ll unstrap you — and you help me.
He nodded.
I unfastened one hand, shaking with fear,
and almost released the second.
Don’t do it, — a soft voice.
Too late.
Derek tore his hand free and started choking me.
If I die, he dies too, — I whispered.
He paused.
Then let go.
I coughed, caught my breath, and tried again.
I’m not them, Derek. I’m not like them.
You hurt him too.
True.
But not on purpose. I’m human. I can make mistakes.
But damn it, Derek.
I love him.
I gave him a family, a life, love.
I bore him children.
I love him very much.
He cried.
You hurt him?
I do.
He snapped.
I didn’t defend myself.
Fight back! — he screamed.
No, — I spat blood, almost losing consciousness from pain and haze.
I can’t carry two energies at once.
My body is holding Nate and trying to keep me alive. The load is enormous.
I won’t!
Idiot, — he hit me, and I lost consciousness.

Hospital
I came to immediately in work mode.
Adrenaline and terror at the same time.
My body arched and I went into a seizure.
Medics burst in like madmen.
Pupil check.
The machine screamed.
And then I blacked out again.
I woke up in the middle of the night.
Nate was by the bed.
Nate, — I called weakly.
He rubbed his eyes.
Sweetheart.
Can you get me some water?
Of course. Of course. With trembling hands, he handed me the water.
Sweetheart, I—
He was kissing my hands.
I looked in the mirror.
Bruised all over, swollen, with a torn lip, a broken nose, and stitches across my stomach.
Aaaah—
I folded in half.
Pain pierced everything — from my eyes down to my feet.
My whole body ached, begging for mercy.
But how do you breathe when the work isn’t finished?
I went to pee and came back.
Nate, come closer.
He came closer.
I grabbed the food tray and swung it full force straight into his face.
Blood gushed from the bandaged areas, the tape tore off.
He howled in pain.
I squinted.
Derek.
Sweetheart, it’s me. Nate.
I pulled myself together, adrenaline flooding my blood.
I stomped hard on him through his pants.
He doubled over in pain.
Damn.
And fell.
Perfect.
So. Shall we have sex now?
Kitten… maybe later, — he barely whispered, folding from pain.
I smiled.
Good. That means Derek is gone, and there are fewer shadows now.
And hopefully we won’t return to this again.
Nate, what do you remember?
Almost nothing.
I remember we started talking, and then that’s it.
I woke up on the floor, and you were nearby, unconscious.
He fell silent.
Nate.
He wouldn’t look me in the eyes.
Sweetheart… I didn’t hit you, did I?
This— I exhaled. This is hard to explain right away.
He stayed silent, head lowered.
Am I dangerous… to you?
No.
But I beat you.
No. That wasn’t you. And this will never happen again.
How do you know?
You’re going to have to leave.
— Hello.
— Hi.
— Hi.
— How is he?
Silence.
I burst into tears.
I understood.
The children rushed in right on cue.
Mom, mom, mom.
I was tear-stained, swollen, my body still not healed.
I begged Sophie with my eyes, and she took them away.
The house was in mourning.
No one understood what had happened.
Where was Nate?
Why had I been in the hospital?
The house was chaos. Horror.
Everything inside me hurt and groaned.
I wasn’t eating. I wasn’t sleeping.
I kept blacking out mid-step, collapsing like a dead body while walking.
I cried in the kitchen.
In the bedroom.
In the bathroom.
Everything inside me was dying, rotting.
I couldn’t live.
I couldn’t breathe.
It had to be done, — Hades laid his hand on my shoulder.
I was shaking with terror.
When I met Nate, he was Nate.
But things like this are no joke — I had triggered a personality reboot in him.
And I was terrified he would return not just changed,
but as someone I no longer fit —
me, our life, our home.
This is love, — Hades tried to support me.
I cried.
I couldn’t stop.
But I was proud of myself — because even at the cost of false peace,
I could not deny him what he deserved.
I straightened.
If he decides this isn’t his — I will accept it.
The only thing that matters is that he is happy.
And I cried again.
I feel I am drowning.
The monastery will do what must be done with him —
either he becomes himself, or he breaks completely.
Then we’ll see if he can truly carry my power.
His spirit must grow.
He must become a dragon.
There are no other options.
I knew they would train him in ways he had never imagined.
Cold.
Almost no food.
Thin clothes.
Brutal cold.
Tears streamed endlessly.
Damn this love. I should never have gotten involved.
You must be equals.
If he breaks, you will have to shrink.
Believe in him. He will manage, — a soft voice said.
I patted myself on the shoulder.
The spirits were with me —
they always place a hand on my shoulder.
I knew they were crying with me.
Thank you, guys.
I knew that eventually everything would stabilize.
Nate is Nate.
Hardly anyone else can withstand my power.
And no matter how much I believe in theories of separation,
it still seems to me that in this world
there is only one man who can truly carry me.

A month later
The problem began to worsen.
The girls refused to speak to me at all.
Jonathan somehow managed to calm Carmen.
Josh cried.
But that didn’t make it easier — both of them needed a father.
Just a little more.
Just a little longer.
I begged the girls to hold on.
And finally, Nate returned.
He immediately took another bedroom.
Everything inside me went cold.
A rough start, — Hades said.
But I wasn’t laughing.
Not at all.
At least he remembers where home is.
My eyes went glassy.
I know how monasteries beat the madness out of people.
Images flashed. Scenes.
I knew he had been beaten — brutally, repeatedly.
That he had been starving.
That he had cried — a lot, and very alone.
Oh God.
But that was the price.
What else could I have done?
Nate didn’t come down to dinner.
I told myself he needed more time,
though panic inside me grew like a snowball —
pressing hard, accelerating fast.
What if he leaves me?
Like: “Thank you, woman, for opening the world to me — but I love someone else.”
I could barely breathe.
Nazokat, don’t be selfish.
If you love him — let him go.
I nodded.
Alright.
That’s what we’ll do.
And I crossed my fingers.
Maybe not everything is lost.

3:15 a.m.
I couldn’t fall asleep.
I tried not to think about Nate.
He needed time.
And I hadn’t slept with him — like that — for over a month.
I didn’t know how to contain the impulse.
The body still demanded its due.
Oh God.
Despite exhaustion,
hunger took control.
Memories made me tremble.
He had returned leaner, more sinewy.
Tall.
Strong.
Oh God.
Oh God…
Alright. I’ll go for a walk.
I went down to the kitchen.
Cody and Josh were there.
— Hi.
— Hi.
The air instantly thickened.
Guys, I’m sorry.
I got embarrassed and rushed out of the kitchen.
They immediately followed
and hugged me.
I cried.
I’m sorry, guys, for starting all of this.
They hugged me.
No one judged me.
— How’s Nate? — Josh asked.
—I don’t know—
and I burst into tears again.
Guys, what if he leaves?
What if I’m not needed anymore?
That’s not true. That’s not true.
They cried with me.
And we went for a walk.
The dogs ran out first, and I smiled.
How good it is that at least something stayed the same.
We talked, tried to distract ourselves.
Eventually everyone froze.
I went up to the bedroom.
The guys went to theirs.
Aaaah—
I screamed in fear.
Nate was sitting on the bed, in the dark.
Sweetheart.
Tears flooded my eyes.
He called me sweetheart again.
— Hi.
Nate rushed toward me
and wrapped me in his arms.
Then he dropped to his knees.
Sweetheart, forgive me.
Forgive me for everything.
Forgive me.
He cried at my feet.
I was completely lost.
From weakness and tension, my head spun.
Exhaustion finally took its toll.
Weeks of stress.
Terror.
Hospitals.
I had been hospitalized three times.
Nate was here.
He can hold the world again.
And I lost consciousness.