It’s 5:10 p.m.
He’s late.
Ever since we strengthened the team, since the guys learned to hold the processes without Nate, he never worked past five.
It was an unspoken rule.
His boundary.
His way of staying alive — of not dissolving into work.
And I knew immediately:
something was wrong.
The door opened without its usual sound.
He came in — not walking, but as if he dragged himself home.
Exhausted.
Worn down.
I turned away.
Not because I didn’t want to see him —
but because I was afraid of giving myself away.
Of that instant response inside me,
how everything tightens, contracts, reaches for him at once.
— Kitten…
He leaned against the doorframe,
as if the door were the only thing still holding him up.
I glanced back over my shoulder.
Pulled on a smile — neat, almost correct.
— Hi.
My voice came out even.
I didn’t wait for an answer.
I turned and walked to the bathroom —
slowly, keeping my posture,
as if I only needed to wash my hands,
as if nothing was happening,
as if I didn’t feel the air between us grow dense.
I closed the door and let the tears come.
Hold on, my own thoughts whispered, trying to keep me together.
Pain echoed through my body;
my heart gave a sharp, physical jolt.
If someone had told me, take his pain,
I would have done it without hesitation.
I would have carried it all myself —
just not to see him like this.
I listened.
It sounded like he’d gone to change.
A little more quiet sobbing.
I tried to pull myself together.
God, how stupid this is.
And how terrifying.
It’s not the first day.
And yet I’m so vulnerable.
I’m afraid that if I show him how much he means to me,
it could give him power over me — even unintentionally.
Nate isn’t like that,
my inner voice said, warm.
Right.
I exhaled.
I closed my eyes.
I don’t need sight to see him.
He’ll take off his tie
and slowly pull it loose,
as if loosening a noose from his neck.
Then the shirt.
He’ll undo a couple of buttons —
not all of them, just enough to breathe.
He’ll sit down.
Just sit there,
resting his head against the wall of the wardrobe.
That obscenely expensive wardrobe.
Smooth. Perfect. Cold.
All of this —
he earned.
And for all of it
he paid for it with blood.
With hours. With nights. With tension. With silence.
I cry again.
And again.
— Oh my God…
One single desire rises inside me:
I have to be with him.
I have to support him.
But everything in me is shaking with fear.
I’m afraid he’ll fall apart,
and I’ll have to carry everything alone again.
I’ll become the one who carries.
The one who’s stronger.
Nate isn’t like that,
the same voice, softer now.
I cry, pressing my palm over my eyes.
Nate has never abandoned me.
He’s always there —
even when he’s broken himself.
Nate never leaves me.
He holds on
even when he can barely stand.
And me?
And me?
A coward.
An egoist.
He is always with me.
Always where he’s needed.
Come on, Nazokat.
You have to be there.
I cry and cry, unable to pull myself together.
What if he left you alone?
I know exactly how it would look.
I’d walk in —
Nate composed, serious.
“Hi, kitten,”
and he’d hold me
as if I were the one returning from war,
not him.
I sniffed.
Come on, Nazokat.
Come on, damn it —
before he handles it on his own.
Don’t leave him alone.
He holds the world together.
He holds all of us.
He holds me.
I stood up.
In the mirror — a woman.
I despise you.
You always accuse him of needing only your light,
of loving you only when you’re glowing,
of not accepting you in the dark.
And what about you?
You got scared.
When he’s weak.
When it’s hard for him.
Where are you, damn it?
And the reflection spat in my face.
I didn’t even wipe it away.
The mark was deserved —
a seal of weakness
and moral cowardice.
“I despise you. Do you hear me? You disgust me.”
I was crying without stopping.
Nate came in.
I looked at him.
— Sweetheart…
His eyes were full of pain.
He’s worrying about me again.
I rushed toward him.
— I’m sorry.
He stroked my hair.
— I’m sorry, Nate. I’m sorry…
I couldn’t calm down.
He’s holding me.
He’s holding the whole world.
He’s holding me when he himself is about to fall.
— Nate, I… I… I—
And the tears kept pouring and pouring.
What am I supposed to tell him?
Damn it, what can you tell him?
You’re weak and stupid.
How is he supposed to reach you at all
if you don’t allow him to be weak?
If you don’t give him space to break,
he’ll keep standing there
until he collapses.
— Nate, I… I—
And again — no.
I broke down again, crying again and again,
and sank to the floor.
— Nate, I’m sorry… I… I’m sorry…
He hugged me and stroked my hair.
— My love, I love you so much… I… I’m sorry…
I just don’t know how…
I don’t know how to do this the right way…
He kissed me and hugged me again.
I cried and cried.
I hated myself right then.
Right now, he needs me, not the other way around.
What an idiot.
What a complete idiot.
I wanted to hit myself.
I hated myself for my selfishness.
I remembered how Nate worked when we were just starting —
how he worked,
how he didn’t eat,
how he was never home.
I remembered how I prayed for him in silence.
I prayed and cried.
I had no appetite.
No strength.
No desire.
I don’t exist
when Nate is wounded, when he’s not okay.
Everything loses meaning.
Everything loses taste.
I want to disappear,
so my strength could pass into him.
Nate has always carried an inhuman burden.
He has always been — and remains — my support.
I would have fallen apart a hundred times without him.
I would never have climbed out without him.
He always tried so hard.
He is always ready to give everything of himself for us.
The tears wouldn’t stop.
He only kept stroking my hair.
Silent.
Strong.
He will not allow himself weakness
so as not to disappoint me.
I am a monster.
A real monster.
— Nate, I’m begging you, forgive me.
I love you so much.
I love you so much.
Please, let’s do something about this.
We can live more modestly if it’s about money.
He nodded.
— Can I help you, my love?
— No.
And he pulled me close again.
Everything inside me was breaking apart.
Pain tore through my body.
I was breaking,
and my body was sharing his pain.
If only I could take everything he’s holding.
If only I could help him somehow.
Tears streamed down my face.
I looked at him.
He smiled faintly.
— My love…
I did the only thing I could.
I took his hand.
He followed me quietly.
My love, I laid him down on the bed
and lay on top of him,
covering him with my whole body.
I kissed his face carefully —
every millimeter.
And I closed my eyes,
giving him all of myself,
everything that was in me.
Our tears mixed,
and I didn’t know
whether the tears were his or mine.
I prayed and whispered
that this must not continue,
that he has to stop this.
I kissed him and stroked his hair
the way I stroke Jonathan’s hair before sleep.
And he allowed me to comfort him.
I despised myself for it.
You’ll make him weak.
He’ll start crying every time.
No.
He is not weak and never will be.
He has already proven how strong he is.
Get out of my head.
Nate lifted his eyes
and hugged me.
He kissed me gently, carefully.
I started crying again.
But these were different tears.
— Kitten…
— Hi,
I whispered against his lips.
I worry about you so much, Nate.
I worry about you so much.
— My love…
He stroked my cheek.
— Kitten, just a little longer.
Tomorrow it will all be over.
Just one more day.
I smiled.
And still cried.
— Nate, please…
I don’t need any money
if you come home like this even one more time.
Please, Nate.
Please.
And I cried and cried,
curling up like an embryo.
He wrapped me in his warmth.
Suddenly my body burned with desire,
and I arched.
Damn it.
I can’t right now.
No, no, no.
— Nate…
I turned toward him.
Love and tenderness in his eyes.
I am needed by him.
— My love…
I reached for him.
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me.
I was burning with desire.
He covered me with his body,
and everything inside me ignited.
I moaned.
He kissed my neck and ran his fingers through my hair.
— Nate…
He looked at me.
— I love you so much.
He kissed me — deep and clean.
And once again I disappeared into him,
into the best,
into the most beloved.