23:15

I can’t sleep.
Everything inside me is pushing outward —
cramped, hot,
darkness jostling with elbows, demanding a way out.
Nate is sleeping peacefully.
Even breathing, calm, as if he’s holding the night by the hand.
— Wake him up.
— Get lost.
— Come on.
— A-a-ah, get lost! — I throw up my hands, anger flaring sharp, like a spark.
— You’re such a coward with all that soft, mushy crap. He’s not made of glass.
— That’s called tolerance!
— Dog shit.
I clench my teeth.
Damn it, why did he let you out?
— What, are you ashamed of me?
And by the way, he doesn’t want a little kitten.
He wants me.
— That’s not true.
— You really believe that yourself?
— A-a-ah, you’re unbearable.
— Seriously?
And he’s not complaining.
I close my eyes.
My head is buzzing.
— Damn… you’re a damn devil.
— I’m not even at full strength yet.
Wait till Saturday — I’ll show him something then.
— Oh my God, no. No. No. Don’t.
— Do I look like someone who asks?
Want me to remind you of your fantasies?
You and him haven’t tried that yet.
My eyes widen.
Cold runs down my spine.
— No. No. No. No.
— You think he wouldn’t want to try? — she pretends to think. —
He’s usually very open to experiments.
— Don’t.
That part…
that part he doesn’t need to see.
— As you say.
And she pushes me.
I lose my balance, flail my arms, grab at the air —
and still fall.
Right onto Nate.
He startles, rubs his eyes, focuses.
In the dark his voice is low, sleepy, real.
— Sweetheart… did something happen?
— Ye-e-es… — she
I catch myself instantly.
— No-no, sleep.
Everything’s fine.
Sorry…
And before I could come to my senses, control was seized again.
Sharp. Confident. No questions.
— My little mouse?
The voice — warm, lazy.
Dangerous.
— Hi…
She stretched like a cat, slowly, savoring her own body,
and crawled toward him —
unhurried,
strategic,
softly placing her paws,
too close to be ignored,
circling around him,
weaving movement into breath.
— Sweetheart…
He blossomed.
She smirked.
Just one corner of her mouth.
— Hi.
— Hi.
She bit him — lightly, almost playful,
like a test.
Like the click of a switch.
He grabbed her by the waist — reflexively,
fingers closing,
his body responding before his head.
— Easy, easy, sweetheart…
He froze.
Obedient.
Exact.
She threw her head back,
her neck opened,
her breathing deepened.
And he synced.
With her.
With the rhythm.
With what was happening beyond words.
— Hi…
— Hi.
The world narrowed to this circle.
To movement.
To the pause where no one was in a hurry.
She led.
He obeyed.
…
Breakfast.
— Sweetheart…
— Mmm?.. — I carefully stuff all the food into my mouth so I don’t have a single chance to speak coherently. This is my shield. My foxhole.
— Kitten, that was wonderful.
— Why does Nate talk like a Disney princess? — Hades grimaces as if from a lemon.
— Because he is a little princess, — Mushu replies cheerfully.
And without a word, in perfect sync, they jump and high-five each other.
— Don’t call him that, — she grabbed both of them by the front of their pants and squeezed.
They freeze.
Faces contort with pain, color draining away.
— Am I clear?
— Yes… yes… — they force out, strained, too fast.
She lets go of them.
Steps back.
Spits.
— You worms.
I recoil, swallow.
Oh my God.
My heart does a somersault.
She looks at me.
Calmly.
Straight on.
— Don’t let them run loose.
I nod.
Automatically.
Obeying not the words — the tone.
— Nate… I… — my tongue suddenly feels heavy. — I’m not sure I’m controlling this…
And I immediately bite my lip, like catching my own hand.
— Sweetheart… Let me try, — Nazokat.
The devil.
His eyes darken instantly and flare —
not with rage,
but with depth,
where explanations no longer exist.
— Nate, sweetheart…
— Yes?
The shoe slips off — quietly, like permission.
Her foot finds him — not a touch, but light pressure against his pants —
in the space between “allowed” and “not yet.”
He smiles with the corner of his lips.
Collected. Attentive.
— Kitten… you’re getting so dark.
She tilts her head, looks up from below.
Not asking.
Testing.
— Do you like me like this?
He doesn’t rush.
Looks straight at her.
His voice even, warm — an anchor.
— I love you any way.
— Nate? — she increases the pressure not with touch, but with intent, fingertips brushing the fabric, flesh hardening. She’s pleased.
— Oh… yes. Very.
She instantly wraps him — not with her body, but with attention —
and I snap back.
Sharp.
Into place.
— See?
— Go to hell…
— Tss-ts-ts, — her voice quiet, almost tender. — That’s not necessary. I’m not your enemy.
I feel everything inside shift.
How she slips in —
fast, deft, without permission.
— What the hell, you barge in like that?
She smiles.
Slowly.
Knowing in advance.
— There’s more to come.
— Sebastian, darling, would you bring some wine?
The steward pauses for a moment — barely noticeable, almost professional.
Then bows.
— Of course, miss.
He disappeared as quietly as he appeared.
— Darling… — she purred once more, lazily, as if the word was hers by right.
— How about you and I go to a hotel?
She didn’t look straight at him.
She knew he was looking.
The pause stretched for an inhale.
An exhale.
— Sweetheart… — Nate’s voice was calm, warm, but structure settled into it. — I had plans with the guys.
It wasn’t a refusal.
It was a statement of fact.
She tilted her head.
Her smile narrowed.
Sharper. More attentive.
— With the guys, — she repeated, tasting the words. —
She pressed again, lightly —
his flesh already very present, muscles tight, everything demanding release.
— Oh…
He didn’t even try to hide it.
She smirked.
Slowly.
With that exact expression where the question was already a trap.
— What do you say?
He exhaled, almost laughed, giving in not with his body, but with a decision.
— Alright, sweetheart… let’s do it.
She raised an eyebrow.
— What do you think we’ll do?
Nate faltered.
For a second he lost his words, like a boy caught off guard.
She took a sip of wine.
Calmly.
Unhurried.
She moved behind him,
softly, cat-like,
and his shoulders registered her touch before he could gather himself.
She lightly kneaded them —
not a massage,
but a reminder:
I’m here.
Easy.
— Tss… — almost inaudible. — Don’t think so much.
First he felt warmth.
In his chest, under the ribs.
As if someone carefully removed his armor and set it aside.
His shoulders gave in.
Not from fatigue — from permission.
Suddenly it got quiet inside him.
Thoughts stepped aside.
He sensed her presence not through skin —
through attention.
Dense, focused, as if he were being held by her gaze even with his eyes closed.
A familiar feeling rose in him —
not desire,
but readiness.
The kind where nothing needs to be proven.
No need to be strong, correct, grown-up.
You can just be —
and that’s enough.
He caught himself smiling.
Barely noticeable.
Inside.
Because next to her
he didn’t lose control —
he handed it over voluntarily.
And there was no weakness in that.
Only trust.
His breathing deepened.
Smoothed out.
— Nate…
She leaned closer, almost touching him —
with breath, with tone, with presence.
— Darling… you’re such a bad boy.
He swallowed.
His throat went dry, as if the words got stuck somewhere deeper.
— You won’t say no to me, will you?
He hesitated — for a fraction of a second.
That was enough for her to understand:
he was already inside the game.
She slid her hands into his hair,
not sharply — confidently,
as if she knew exactly where he could be stopped…
or let go.
He exhaled.
Louder than he meant to.
— Of course, sweetheart.
— Excellent.
click
The mode flipped.
The world narrowed.
Everything unnecessary disappeared.
— Sweetheart… — he spoke differently now, unsteady, almost on breath.
I swallowed.
Everything inside tightened.
Damn it, Nate… you shouldn’t have let her out.
He squeezed my hand.
Firmly.
For real.
— Sweetheart… — he looked straight at me. — It’s you.
She is you.
A pause.
Quiet.
Honest.
— So… I love her as a part of you.
— You bastard.
My hand flew up before the thought did.
The slap — sharp, ringing, like a shot in silence.
God… when will she stop controlling this?
He licked his lips.
Calmly.
Too calmly.
— You’re twisted.
He winked at me — not brazenly, but as if he knew something I hadn’t accepted yet.
— Miss…
I jolted.
Sebastian coughed tactfully, his gaze sliding toward the glass.
— Shall I pour you some more?
— By no—
And then my hand cramped.
My fingers went numb.
My tongue slipped out of control.
— …of course.
— Motherfuuuuuck…
I squeezed my eyes shut.
— Kitten, are you okay?
— I’ll be right back…
Bathroom
Across from me — two faces.
One is mine.
One is hers.
The same chin.
The same eyes.
The same lips.
The same look.
Different depth.
— Why are you doing this?
— What do you think?
I rubbed my forehead, as if I could erase the thought physically.
My head was buzzing.
— Damn it, Nazokat… I don’t know. I don’t want him to know too much about this.
She tilted her head slightly.
Studying.
Like a doctor reading an X-ray.
— And how are you supposed to be close then?
Won’t you want it like before?
You won’t be able to go back.
Anger, rage ripped the reins away.
I swore and slammed my hand against the sink.
The blow landed on the edge of my palm.
— A-a-ah… mother, that hurts!
The pain was real.
Hellish.
She smirked.
Without malice.
More with satisfaction.
And in that moment something inside me switched.
Not smoothly — sharply.
As if two tracks suddenly aligned.
I stopped arguing.
Stopped pushing back.
I integrated fully.
My eyes turned glassy.
My mouth — calm, almost mechanical.
— Yes.
That’s how I am.
I’m not sweet for no reason.
I can’t stand whining and weakness.
I can support —
but not melt,
not dissolve,
not rock endlessly.
Sometimes there is no mercy in me.
And I don’t consider that a flaw.
I feel empathy only for children and animals.
Everyone else — I don’t give a damn.
I’m greedy, rough, selfish, arrogant, domineering, and I hate asking anyone’s opinion.
She moaned with pleasure.
My words stimulated her.
Keep going.
I hate pity.
The weak and pathetic make me sick.
She slid her hands into her panties, stimulating sensitive spots.
Desire rose in me too.
I can’t stand weaklings.
Bad?
Hard?
Who cares.
Spat blood — and went on.
Did it — then exhaled.
What’s the point of whining?
It changes nothing.
You can cry — sure.
Getting stuck in whining is stupid and pathetic.
“The state is to blame.”
“People are to blame.”
“The weather is to blame.”
Who the fuck cares?
I hate impractical whining.
Pull yourself together.
Act.
She arched, dying from pleasure.
I inhaled deeply,
threw my head back,
breathed —
initiating the darkness consciously.
I don’t want to push her away.
I despise weakness.
Hitting Nate feels like an orgasm to me.
His restraint makes my legs spread.
His strength drives me insane.
If I don’t hit him, I won’t pull his strength out.
Her eyes rolled back and she squeezed her breasts with her hands,
enjoying it.
I can’t stand disobedience.
I frankly don’t care about Nate’s opinion if it doesn’t match mine.
I hate equality and all that shit.
In my world, it’s simple: I speak — he obeys.
— Damn it.
— What?
— I don’t want a servant. This has to bring him joy.
— That’s obvious already. You’ll talk to him.
I gathered my resolve.
Clenched my fists.
…
— Nate…
— Kitten? — he was surprised, instantly alert.
I doubled over, as if the air had suddenly been knocked out of my lungs.
— Damn…
— Sweetheart, — fear appeared in his voice immediately. — Are you okay?
— Kitten…
He reached for me — to comfort, to support, to hold.
— Don’t touch me, — sharply, almost shouting.
I stepped back myself, pressing a hand to my side, as if the pain were inside, not outside.
My fingers were shaking.
In my body, tension and a surge of strength mixed strangely —
too much, too fast.
My hand was burning with pain and I gripped it with the other hand, getting almost unhealthy masochistic pleasure from the pain and my own strength at the same time.
Those thoughts made my lower belly respond, and it felt like I climaxed while I was still standing.
Then — me again.
Just me.
— Damn it, Nate… I’m sorry.
I need… I need to stop. I… I…
My head fell back, the world swam.
Thoughts shattered like glass.
And inside — her voice.
Hard.
Without sentiment.
— Pull yourself together.
Say it straight.
How long are you going to mumble?
You weren’t like this before.
A wave hit me — not of darkness, but of overload.
My eyes stopped focusing.
My knees buckled.
And I fell through.
…
What the hell?! — she was walking around with a whip.
What the fuck — why are you so weak?!
I don’t know, I— I—
I was clenching my hand, dying from pain.
She was circling me —
a woman dressed as a cat.
You’re pathetic. Why are you shaking like that?
He might not handle our strength, and we’ll be left alone.
She struck me with the whip.
And I screamed from the pain.
Fucking bitch.
She was pleased.
Say it didn’t resonate.
Say there’s no pull in you toward this.
I stood up.
I didn’t say it out loud, but I will crush this.
It must not come out.
Why?
Because he won’t handle it.
Guys just posture — in reality they can’t handle my strength.
Nate is not like all of them.
I don’t know.
What if he’s weak too?
That’s not true.
We already tested him.
She grabbed my face, gripping my cheekbones.
Don’t shrink yourself for him.
I don’t know.
I don’t want to be alone again — all-powerful and lonely.
You need his cock.
It’s not just about that.
Then what is it about?
Not everything is solved with sex.
She raised an eyebrow
and turned into a panther with blue eyes.
Don’t you yourself want your strength back?
Remember what we were like before —
she laughed, maliciously and predatory. —
Remember how we used boys?
That was your favorite game — shattering their hearts.
I threw my head back.
You hate weakness —
she turned back into the cat-woman.
You never cared about their hearts.
You broke them like toys.
Remember how many we drove mad.
That’s not good. That’s not good…
Back then I didn’t think about them.
I was selfish and too much.
She grabbed my cheekbones again
and then started strangling me.
Say it, damn you.
I hit her in the stomach and grabbed her by the hair.
Listen carefully:
if I need to, I’ll choke you myself.
Don’t you dare twist me around.
Ooooh, Dastan woke up — she said.
I moved to the corner.
Dastan stepped in front of me, shielding me.
Oh, our boy is back again.
Why did you give her to Nate?
He’s a good guy.
Maybe she doesn’t need a good guy.
He can be bad when needed —
Dastan winked at me.
I smiled.
She has to let me out of her,
otherwise it’s not love — it withers for him.
He nodded.
But don’t destroy her.
Don’t grab the reins so violently.
Let her learn to manage it too.
He grabbed her by the hair —
And don’t you dare hurt her.
I beamed.
Dastan always protects me.
He came up to me.
Sweetheart, he loves you very much.
You don’t need to shrink yourself.
I felt relieved.
Talk to him.
He’ll understand.
Okay.
And he kissed me in the hair,
with a fatherly tenderness.
…
I came back.
Mother—fuck.
Back in the hospital.
Again.
Again.
Nate is right here.
Sweetheart.
I pushed the tea aside.
No, I don’t want it, thanks.
Nate.
Hello?
He was calm.
Damn, how are you not shaking — there’s about to be a conversation.
He took a bite of the croissant.
Nope.
Damn. Holy shit.
She nodded at me — see? He’s strong.
This isn’t a boy — he’s a grown man.
Okay — I swallowed.
Nate.
Hello?
Listen, I’m shaking like hell that you’ll leave me,
or something will happen between us and we’ll break up.
Alright.
He set everything aside and folded his hands together.
Kitten.
Let’s make this clear between us:
I won’t leave you under any circumstances.
Are you sure?
Yes.
God, but how can you be so sure —
what if, what if, what if—
Sweetheart — he took my hand.
If something happens, we’ll sit down and talk it through.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay — I repeated it like a madwoman.
Nate, I… I’m really not a kitten.
I mean, sometimes I am,
but more often I’m like a panther.
I hate weakness.
He smirked.
I know, kitten.
We haven’t been together just one day.
But I never hit you before.
He touched his lip —
there was already a wound there.
I started crying.
Damn, I’m just a monster. I’m sorry.
He moved closer.
Kitten, let’s be honest.
I swallowed.
If I didn’t like it,
I wouldn’t have provoked it in myself, right?
I thought about it.
He’s right.
It’s not just my fault.
Nate isn’t a victim.
My little mouse, we transform. We change.
Yes.
And that’s normal.
I always knew this was in you.
Really?
Yes.
And you’re not going to cry like a little girl?
He shook his head.
No.
And already being myself,
I went and slapped him.
Damn, woman.
I threw my head back.
Oh, how good it feels
to come back to myself again.
Sweetheart.
He rubbed his cheek.
While they were bringing you here,
you kept repeating things about boys.
I swallowed.
She nodded, standing behind him.
A deep breath.
At school and at university.
Yes — basically all that time before I met you.
It seemed to me that men didn’t have hearts.
I didn’t take it seriously.
It didn’t feel important.
He lowered his eyes.
Damn.
Nate, I really didn’t think about it.
I didn’t do anything outright cruel.
I was just having fun.
But it’s true — we had this thing.
I sighed again.
Damn.
We had this game:
I’d choose a boy and twist him however I wanted,
and as soon as he fell in love — I’d dump him.
I didn’t sleep with them,
didn’t kiss them,
didn’t even hug them —
but my energy alone was enough to get any of them.
Nate looked me straight in the eyes.
Oh my God…
what if someone once played with him the same way?
No. No. No.
Push those thoughts away.
She shoved me.
I inhaled sharply and squeezed my eyes shut
so I wouldn’t hear the answer.
Nate, did girls ever hurt you?
He became serious.
No.
Before you, I never loved anyone.
I lit up.
But Nate wasn’t smiling.
I’ve seen guys crushed by women,
and sweetheart, that’s not rare.
Women are surprisingly cruel.
I burst into hysterical laughter.
I don’t know what to say.
That was in the past.
As soon as I realized that guys really do feel pain,
I stopped doing that immediately.
He sighed.
Let’s close this topic.
I agreed.
It got a little awkward,
and she nudged me.
Nate.
Mm?
I really…
pause…
really, really love you.
He laughed.
Woman, you’re crazy.
I wouldn’t be too happy —
you’re in a relationship with me,
which means I’m no better myself.
He kissed me.
And whispered in my ear:
You’re still holding her back right now, aren’t you?
I nodded.
He carefully moved the medical wires aside.
I reached for him.
He swallowed,
and his Adam’s apple jerked sharply.
Just the feeling of freedom turned me on —
that I no longer had to restrain myself.
Hunger surged with such force.
Nate — I yanked him closer
and dug my nails into his back.
He jerked in pain.
Sweetheart.
He purred.
Mmm.
Sweetheart, I don’t know where you’ll find time for anything else.
How am I supposed to ever get enough of you?
He smirked.
My sweet little lamb,
just pace yourself.
Don’t worry about me.
What? — I pulled back, surprised.
He shifted closer and whispered in my ear:
My sweet little kitten,
if like attracts like,
you might want to think about what I have in mind…
Cold crawled down my spine.
Oh God