I woke up from a flash —
memory was still grinding images and scenes through my head.
The scenes clung, flowed into each other.
Faces, fragments of movement, intonations, looks —
everything was still too alive, too real
to call it just a dream.
Chest locked tight.
Shoulders raised.
Breathing short, shallow.
A sharp signal.
So sharp the world collapsed into a point.
Run.
The voice was short, harsh,
no explanations.
Like an order
that isn’t up for discussion.
The body reacted before the mind.
The heart accelerated.
Fingers clenched.
The air turned too dense.
Run. Run.
Get out, damn it.
Wait—
I couldn’t tell where reality was and where the dream was.
The body was grotesquely stuck in sleep,
the mind wasn’t.
Damn. Damn.
And again the signal — a second warning.
I thrashed around.
Rubbing my eyes, understanding nothing.
Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
Thoughts tore apart, wouldn’t form words.
Only fragments.
Only pressure.
Hurry.
Damn — I fell off the bed, still stumbling.
The phone jammed between my shoulder and ear.
Two rings — and finally—
— Carolan.
— Yes, miss.
— Prepare the plane.
— Understood, miss.
His voice snaps into formality.
He knows I’m panicking.
Something’s wrong.
I ran to get dressed —
feverish, fast,
throwing things on as I went,
no sorting,
no looking.
My hands wouldn’t obey.
My eyes were still glued shut, veiled — I could barely see, outlines smeared.
Fingers tangled.
Something hit the floor —
don’t care.
I flew down the stairs,
skipping steps.
My heart pounding somewhere in my throat,
not enough air,
every breath like a cut.
I ran past the dining room.
A set table.
Warm light.
Morning.
Coffee.
Calm.
Alien.
Not yours — the brain.
Not mine — I repeated.
Not now.
Run.
— Where’s Alpha?
— Miss?
— Sebastian, where is Alpha?! — I screamed.
— You sent him in for repair, miss.
— Motherf—
Alpha is my Porsche.
Not a car.
My friend.
He knows me.
He feels me.
Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
In the giant garage —
a pile of boys’ toys.
Powerful.
Expensive.
Trinkets.
All wrong.
For me, it’s only Porsche.
I don’t like to spread myself thin.
I need focus.
One.
Precise.

For fuck’s sake, think, think.
— Then Audi.
I nodded to myself.
Door.
Seat.
Steering wheel.
Uhh — like I was back in myself, like at home.
Feel the body — the brain said.
Acknowledged.
The engine started —
and adrenaline integrated into the nervous system
as if it had been waiting there.
As if the body said:
“Here. Finally.”
The noise disappeared.
The world narrowed.
Only the trajectory remained.
And I closed my eyes.
I saw on the run.
He saw that I was running away.
I slammed the back of my head against the seat.
Motherf—
A light crease appeared between his brows.
Barely noticeable.
Not anger — worry.
He’s very worried.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Mine pulls attention to itself.
Pull yourself together, Nazokat.
Pre-flight check.
Garage open, path clear.
I floored the pedal.
Audi jerked awake,
predatory, defiant, snarling —
but didn’t tear off right away,
like a beast
that first gathers strength,
and only then rips forward.
Hands tight on the wheel.
Jaw clenched.
Head — empty.
I need mine.
Damn, I can’t believe Alpha isn’t with me.
Aaaah.
Clutch to the floor.
Come on, Audi.
You and I have been through worse.
Right?
The beast nodded.
Reverse.
Audi squealed on the tires,
metal answered instantly,
revs shot up,
the needle jumped high.
Sport mode.
Sensors going crazy:
buckle up, warning, dangerous driving.
Not now, darling, not now.
The beasts tuned in — me and Audi,
with Alpha’s spirit —
so Alpha came.
I exhaled.
He’s here.
Thank you, my dear, thank you.
The engine changed its voice —
lower, angrier,
compressed into a single bite.
The car tensed.
Run.
Run.
Run.
I dumped the clutch.
My body slammed into the seat.
The rear broke loose,
rubber shrieked.
The steering wheel alive in my hands,
talking back into my palms,
every movement
at the level of reflex,
no thoughts,
no choice.
Gas.
More.
The world narrowed to a trajectory.
To the sound of the engine.
Run run run.
One more second and freedom.
Stop — a soft voice.
I braked right before the highway exit.
The voice soft and warm again.
— Try.
— I can’t. I can’t. I fucking can’t.
— At least give him a chance. Okay. Just one.
— A-a-a!
In anger I slammed the steering wheel.
The metal answered dully,
as if resisting too.
I don’t want to.
I can do it myself.
He’ll get in the way.
— Just try.
I hit the gas without the clutch —
the car roared,
throwing snow around,
wild, untamed.
The beast growled for me
but couldn’t move either.
Both on the clutch.
One.
Deep.
Exhale.
— Okay… — I gave in.
It was more an exhale than a word.
I dialed the number.
— Kitten?
— Nate… I…
I need you.
I saw it — no, I felt it —
how he glanced at his watch.
That pissed me off so badly.
What an asshole.
Choosing time for me.
Comparing it to his schedule.
He won’t understand.
I shouldn’t have called him.
Damn.
What humiliation —
asking for help
from someone
who doesn’t give a damn.
— That’s not it. — a soft voice.
It felt like Nate was right there beside me.
— Kitten.
Breathe, Nazokat.
Breathe.
— Nate, it fucking pissed me off
that you looked at your watch.
Why did you do that?
— I did it
to have time to cancel and move everything
to today.
To completely free it up for you.
— …Oh.
I shook my head.
Don’t believe him.
He’ll say anything now.
— Darling, I’m ready.
I nodded.
Stay sharp, Nazokat.
Acknowledged.
— Sometimes I worry — I started the conversation.
— Yes. I understand.
And suddenly I felt calm.
Nate was solid, substantial,
wrapping me in his strength.
My body itched — a strange feeling, why is he getting inside my skin —
and around me an invisible circle of his care began to close,
warm and safe.
And at the moment
when he almost closed it —
I bucked,
sharply jerking my shoulders.
— Damn it, stop. Don’t do that! —
it seemed to me that he had betrayed me, betrayed my trust.
— I’m sorry.
My eyes widened.
I hadn’t explained anything —
he understood.
And, damn it,
I understood
that he really understood.
Now let’s check.
I squinted.
— What are you apologizing for?
— For trying to protect you
and taking the position
“I’m above you.”
I squinted again.
What the hell.
My defenses sharpened instantly.
Now he knows.
If he sees and reads me this well —
that means I’m vulnerable, I’m exposed.
He can hit.
— But he won’t hit. — a soft voice.
Nonsense. Hold the course — the brain.
Acknowledged. I nodded to myself.
And I looked at him,
still assessing.
Nate was calm.
Relaxed.
And he was holding my hand.
— Damn!
I cried out
and sharply pulled my hand away.
How did I not notice
that he was holding my hand?
— Darling, I know
that you’re scared.
I was shaking.
— Darling, I see it.
I know.
— Kitten…
I love you.
I won’t use this against you.
Alert.
Too fast. Too sharp. This isn’t allowed. Damn. Damn.
All systems started crashing.
Shut him down. Cut him off. He’s a threat.
Run, for fuck’s sake, run.
I jumped out of the car
and ran
with everything I had.
I ran as far
as I could.
Thank God
the training wasn’t for nothing.
Five kilometers.
I stopped,
hands on my knees,
gulping air with my mouth,
greedily, in broken pulls.
My heart was pounding.
My muscles burned but held.
The body coped
better than the head.
The ground under my feet.
Real.
Cold.
Reliable.
Fuuu… we got away. Hooray.
That was too close. Too close.
A couple of seconds —
just to exhale.
My head spinning,
hands shaking,
laughter almost hysterical,
on the edge.
Damn…
I need a drink.
And also —
I’m freezing.
I looked around.
Kowalski, report the situation.
— We’re in the forest. We’re tired. All systems at the limit. Chances of survival extremely low.
Acknowledged.
I love the penguins from Madagascar.
Exactly my kind. Everyone high-fived.
But I was freezing terribly.
For fuck’s sake.
Frozen as hell.
All around — not a soul.
— Think, Nazokat.
Come on.
I looked around.
Trees.
Snow.
Silence
that suddenly stopped being cozy.
Damn…
the city is terrifyingly far away.
The adrenaline settled.
The sympathetic system leveled the impulses.
Mode: we are safe.
Identity protection system intact.
But physically — the body, damn it.
I was freezing horribly.
I had only one layer on.
Cashmere,
which just that morning had been “feminine” and “beautiful,”
now turned thin,
treacherous,
and chilled even harder.
— A-a-a-a!
I screamed into the air.
And kicked the snow hard.
As if it were guilty
of everything at once.
The snow scattered.
The silence swallowed the scream.
No echo came back.
I stood there,
breathing.
Again.
And again.
The panic left.
The task remained.
And tasks
I know how to solve.
Come on, think, Nazokat.
And from around the bend
an Audi drove out.
I was glad.
Childishly.
Yay.
People.
I won’t die here.
And immediately —
stop.
Who knows who’s behind the wheel
and what his intentions are.
I — into the snow.
Crouched.
Hid.
Stay sharp.
Forest.
You’re alone.
Too easy prey.
The car is completely tinted.
Can’t see a damn thing.
You don’t know these people.
Don’t relax.
But we’ll freeze and die — Hades.
That’s better than getting finished off in the forest.
Fair enough — Mushu spread his hands.
Guys, shut up.
I need to pull myself together.
I quickly checked myself.
Pulse.
Breathing.
Hands.
Excellent.
Adrenaline is back.
If anything —
I can fight.
Depends how many of them there are — Mushu.
Damn world —
and after that they say
this isn’t a man’s world!
Even with all our sciences,
if there are two of them,
the chances are almost zero — Kowalski.
Aaah, I got angry.
The very fact that I’m a woman
is a threat to my existence.
Alright.
Let’s see what happens next.
One more second.
Headlights closer.
Slowly.
The plate.
Stop — the plate.
Fuuuh.
It’s Audi.
I stepped out.
Still barely breathing from the tension,
holding my side,
I sat in the back seat.
I was shaking.
I was trying to pull myself together.
Cold.
Adrenaline.
The entire nervous system
fully switched on,
but gradually cooling down.
— Mike, speed up a bit, please…
I’m frozen like hell.
I stroked my arm.
Slowly.
Mechanically.
Quieter.
Quieter.
Everything’s fine.
Everything’s okay.
Mike saved us.
The car was smoothly picking up speed.
I relaxed.
Okay. Exhale.
We breathe, we breathe.
We’re safe.
I closed my eyes in relief.
My body jerked.
And suddenly
the cold punched through
my entire being.
— Motherf—
— Kitten.
— —f—f—f—
I was so used to the fact
that Audi meant Mike
that I didn’t even check
who was actually behind the wheel.
Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
I bolted out of the car.
Door.
Snow.
Run.
And smashed straight into a snowbank.
Motherf—!
Run run run.
Don’t let him get close.
But my legs
were already barely obeying.
I was spent.
I was exhausted.
The body gave in
before the will did.
Stumbling, swearing,
I tried to save myself
however I could.
He caught me
in two steps.
Scooped me up in his arms —
gently,
without effort,
as if I weighed nothing.
He carried me back to the car.
Snow crunched under his steps.
The world narrowed to the sensation
of hands,
of warmth.
Stay sharp.
My pulse is spiking. I’m still ready to lunge —
one wrong move and I drop him.
Where’s my stick.
There’s a baton in every car,
especially in an Audi.
— I’m here.
Myshonok.
— I know. I know…
damn it, just no lectures.
He turned toward me
and laughed.
Light.
Real.
As if the worst
was already over.
— Carolan?
I raised an eyebrow.
— What?
— Carolan,
let’s take the plane.
I squinted.
Is he…
planning to fly with me?
What is he up to.
Why isn’t he scolding me,
why isn’t he calming me down.
He’s smarter than we thought.
Stay focused.
Acknowledged.
Alright.
We’ll see
what comes next.
Sometimes
it’s better not to rush ahead.
But to let the scene
unfold by itself.
I tracked his body —
no signs of a strike,
no readiness to attack.
On the contrary — friendly.
I squinted again. Fine.
I’m not taking my eyes off you.
I need to change clothes,
but the estate is too strong a trigger.
I’ll change on the plane.
And there — I’ll seduce him.
When it comes to sex, he’ll relax,
and then I’ll pin him to the wall.
Airport.
So.
The plane is ready.
We’re on board.
Carolan met me with his soft gaze.
I exhaled
and rushed into his arms.
Everyone got painfully awkward,
because usually Nate
is not present
during my darkness.
Screw it.
No alternatives.
I’m sitting there, eating a bun,
waiting for more —
gummies,
some cheap candy,
chips.
Nate opened the whiskey.
I squinted.
What the hell is he doing.
Myshonok?
No. I won’t.
He drank.
And again.
And again.
And I relaxed a little.
He was drunk.
I was satisfied.
Now he wasn’t in the way.
Not a threat anymore.
I sat a little more freely
and leaned back on the bed.
He kept drinking
and watching kids’ cartoons with me.
Later I relaxed completely.
And exhaled.
So what —
he’s probably really drunk.
He won’t remember a damn thing.
“Darling, I love you so much.”
And he wrapped an arm around my waist
and flopped onto me.
I exhaled.
We were on the bed — sweets everywhere, chips, all kinds of junk.
From the adult world — only whiskey.
I was in my little pajamas.
Right now I was in my inner-child state,
and I really didn’t want sex.
I hoped Nate wouldn’t use my weakness.
He kissed me
and went back to watching cartoons.
Then he changed into pajamas himself.
Don’t believe him — mind.
I squinted.
How strange.
Tuesday.
He must have tons of work.
What is he doing?
Adults don’t do this.
Clearing his schedule for a day — that can’t be.
What about responsibility?
He can’t just miss a meeting.
That’s too irresponsible.
Maybe he trusted his processes to the team — a soft voice.
I don’t know.
Watch him — Hades voice.
That’s what I’m doing.
That’s what I’m doing — again, in a whisper.
“Kitten, remember…”
And I laughed.
Yeah, no need to finish.
— That time when we were going to be alone
and the kids caught us?
I blushed again.
God, how embarrassing.
— And that time when we got wasted
in a bar in Thailand?
Yes.
And he kept going.
I was smiling.
Don’t believe him — he’s lowering your sensitivity threshold.
He’s doing it deliberately — Hades.
I suddenly felt ashamed.
What if the game had turned against me?
It’s always me who does this.
I know every move.
Every manipulation.
I even know how to adjust body language
so a person feels safe.
Damn.
I’ll have to rethink the ethics of this.
But on the other hand,
I never do this to my own people.
Hades, Mushu, Ursula, Pocahontas, and Ariel looked up.
Okaaay… maybe sometimes.
But you know what I mean.
I don’t use it in a bad way.
It’s only defense.
Nate had never done this with me before,
and I understood
why it’s so hard for people to say no to him.
— Listen, I’m not a child,
but it feels like because of my openness
people laugh at me, you know —
I interrupted him.
I was sick of this performance.
He pulled back, then nodded.
I exhaled.
No one pretended nothing was happening.
No games.
I was very satisfied.
— People think I’m naive like a child,
as if I’m kind of dumb
and haven’t seen life,
so they treat me condescendingly.
— That’s not true.
I felt calm
and believed him.
What do you think?
My inner ones exchanged looks
and shrugged.
I thought.
Oh.
I got it.
I believe him because he isn’t lying.
He isn’t lying.
He’s calm because he’s telling the truth.
— Darling, people don’t understand you
because they can’t.
I tried to think it through.
— You’re like an alien to them.
I understood.
It made me sad.
— But kitten—
He pulled me by the chin.
And I slapped his hand away.
Don’t do that.
That’s humiliating.
— Sorry, little mouse.
I just meant that it doesn’t matter.
You have a family.
Why do you need the rest?
He’s right — Mushu and Ursula nodded.
I shifted away
and sank into deep thought.
I think it’s like a habit —
when it’s already gone,
but I keep replaying familiar patterns myself.
He nodded.
I recoiled.
Did I say that out loud,
or was it just in my head?
Damn.
Nate is getting too strong.
I shouldn’t let him this close.
I need to cut him off.
He’s starting to get into my core
and change who I am.
That can’t be allowed.
And then what will remain — alone in your tower? — a soft voice.
I looked at mine.
They all hesitated.
Yeah…
the tower has really worn us out.
The decision came
crystal clear.
He has to be let in.
— Nate, I can’t trust you.
If you leave, you’ll drag me with you,
and I don’t know if I’ll be able to haul myself out again,
or if I’ll be able to keep the walls standing
when my soul goes with you.
— I’m not leaving.
The systems went into a screaming overload.
This is a direct threat
to all identity,
to everything I’ve been building for so long and so painstakingly,
everything I’ve aligned and polished my whole life.
Don’t believe him.
That’s what he says now —
later he’ll say he changed, reconsidered, whatever.
He’ll leave you,
and you’ll have to drag yourself out by the scruff again.
Guys, fuck off.
We’re not cowards, for fuck’s sake.
— And what if you leave?
— I don’t even let that thought exist, darling.
I love you very much.
— I’m not a child to you?
You’ve become even more serious than before.
I feel like a fool.
It feels like you’re laughing at me —
that I run away like this and watch cartoons.
I’m an adult.
He exhaled.
— I know why you do this.
His face became so sad
that I felt sorry for him.
— I wasn’t there when you needed me.
I’m terribly sorry I wasn’t there.
Tears rolled down my cheeks.
He hugged me.
— Kitten, I’m so sorry I didn’t protect you.
I cried and cried.
I would have given anything myself
if at least one stable adult
had appeared in my childhood —
especially Nate.
— Okay, — I sniffed.
— Screw them. That’s the past.
We won’t let it darken the present.
He nodded.
A couple more seconds —
and I blinked.
A click.
An identity shift.
The program came apart.
I shook my head,
as if I were in my body for the first time,
trying to understand how everything works here.
— What’s the plan, little mouse?
— You really won’t judge me?
— No.
And I shouted:
— Carolan. France!
Nate leaned back on the bed.
— Little mouse, where first?
— Pfff. Disneyland, of course.
He laughed.
At Disneyland I finally fully exhaled.
I relaxed.
And every time I saw that he wasn’t lying.
He truly wasn’t judging me.
And he didn’t behave like an adult
watching over a small, stupid, naive girl.
He doesn’t see me as a child.
It’s not a hierarchy anymore.
I exhaled.
And threw a snowball at him.
— You’re an asshole.
— And you’re a pain in the ass, — he shot back.
— You jerk.
— And you’re a monkey.
And I kicked him.
He screamed
and grabbed me,
throwing me over his shoulder like prey.
I barely broke free,
kicking and screaming.
He fell,
and I kicked him again.
He doubled over.
— Damn, woman, you’re a monster.
I burst out laughing.
— Weakling.
I ran.
A few minutes later
he steadied himself, stood up,
caught me from behind,
locked me in a hold
and threw me into a snowdrift.
I didn’t get hurt.
I even noticed how gentle he was with me.
He treats me the way boys treat girls.
We’re not man and woman —
we’re teenagers.
I cried.
But I didn’t want his pity.
I laughed and cried.
I had always dreamed of this kind of love.
My childhood was full of shit — that’s obvious.
But then all those adult men I met later
wore me out too.
Everyone wore me out.
All clenched in this damn adulthood.
And here he is — Nate —
throwing snowballs at me.
Gentle enough not to hit hard,
but playing with me as an equal.
I got a chance
to live part of my life again.
Now with him.
As if we had met as kids.
He would have teased me at school.
I would have gotten angry and hit him.
Then we would have gone to prom together.
And then become parents.
I cried and cried,
and the tears were freeing me.
We’re together.
And he won’t leave.
He won’t abandon me.
He won’t leave me in this fucking life
where all adults are alone —
some because there are no options,
others because they’ve forgotten how to feel.
All dead, empty shells.
Cowards and rags
afraid to actually live.
But this won’t touch me anymore.
The tower has fallen,
and the heart let a person in.
One.
But what a one.
I love again without looking back.
Now Nazokat lets herself believe Nate.
Bar.
And we burst into karaoke,
out of breath,
wet from snow and dumb fun.
Beer on the table — total shit.
I don’t drink that shit at all.
I spat it out right after the first sip.
— What kind of shit did you bring? —
the waiter and Nate laughed.
I straightened my shoulders.
God, how good this feels.
Now I don’t have to be too feminine
or too rough.
No need to hold a face.
No frames.
Total shit.
Absolute shit.
And I smashed the mug on the floor
like Thor in that movie.
The bar exploded.
I looked at Nate.
But he was calm, wolf-still,
typing something on his phone.
It really looks like he isn’t judging me.
Not dragging around all that adult bullshit —
this is bad, this is improper, and so on.
— Bring shots! —
I yelled, cupping my hands like a megaphone.
Nate tried to shout over me:
— Bring shots!
The waiters were cracking up.
Shots lined up on the bar.
So the waiter comes closer.
I’m coiled to spring.
Nate is calm.
One more second.
The waiter carefully pulls the tray away.
I grab a shot.
Nate knocks it out of my hand.
I scream:
— You asshole!
He laughs.
— Too late. God, you’re slow.
My jaw almost dropped.
— You piece of shit! —
I knock his shot over.
And I start crying again.
Crying and crying.
But I’m so happy.
Is it really him — my Nate?
I can’t even believe
we’ve achieved everything.
All that insane money.
We’re so free.
And at the same time — parents.
And this love.
I cried without stopping.
Nate was kissing me nonstop.
And I was hitting him
just to get at least a sip
in between breaths.
— Get off me, idiot!
He laughed.
And then my favorite song
“Rather Be” — Rat City!
screamed through the karaoke.
Nate roared like a bear.
I laughed.
— You’re sick.
He lunged for the microphone.
— Get off! —
I shoved him and he staggered.
I was first.
I ran for the karaoke.
The song started
and then suddenly cut out.
I didn’t understand a damn thing
and hit Nate —
one hundred percent his tricks.
And then I saw a whole crowd.
Josh, Cody, Jonathan, Ivy, Sophie
were running toward me.
I cried again.
I was choking on tears.
— Fuck, guys, you’re here!
— Of course we are, —
the Aristocrat was brushing snow off his jacket.
And the Adventuress jabbed him with her elbow.
I laughed.
Guys.
And we hugged.
I looked at Nate.
He was the one who texted them — no doubt.
— I love you, Nate. I love you so much —
and I kissed him all over.
Thank you, darling.
Thank you, guys, for being here.
The music exploded into pure noise,
Rat City screaming at full volume,
and we screamed with it.
Talking la-la-la,
If my music takes me all away—
Everyone was screaming their lungs out,
snatching the microphone from each other.
The crowd sang in sync.
Noise.
Roar.
Shots flying again like crazy.
Glass everywhere.
Food smashed all over the floor.
Third Rat City in a row —
phew.
We need air.
We went out to smoke.
Everyone smoked.
Panting, smoking.
Smoking freedom.
Smoking childhood away.
Smoking the absence of rules.
Guys, I’m begging you,
promise you’ll never turn into
those boring tight-ass pricks.
Nate said seriously
that work is work,
and here he’s in shark mode —
and then laughed himself,
because everyone knew
Sam is a complete idiot:
looks so serious,
but plays in movies and couldn’t even name the scientific term.
And then he added:
— Darling, it’s true.
And everyone nodded.
At work, we have to be like that.
But after—
And we hugged again.
Guys, I love you so much.
The bar roared.
Rat City brings summer back!
Aaah—
we shoved each other
and bolted to sing.