The morning felt strange — empty and unfamiliar.

I refused Nate, which is something I don’t remember ever doing,
and I had breakfast alone.
The moon was watching me,
and I think it was watching closely.
It was a trance — light or deep.
But my legs moved without my permission or consent,
and I lay down in the forest.
Like a mad, unhinged woman
who had lost herself just a little.
I laughed because the trees were telling me jokes,
and my abilities allowed me to keep an eye on the house.
Nate, even though he’s somewhat used to my oddities,
still didn’t understand what was happening.
He was sitting there reading the newspaper,
everyone was having breakfast at the big table,
the way it happens every morning.
It made me laugh.
I was the one who invented this rule myself.
It was the most important stage:
breakfast and dinner together,
the whole family must be together.
Because I can’t not control.
I can’t not protect them.
And then I threw up.
And the trees twisted their faces in disgust.
Damn it, sorry, guys.
The wind stirred up a fuss — loud, irritated, theatrical.
A tiny gust bustled around, muttering something,
tripping over its own little broom.
It grumbled and complained,
and I had to lift my feet
so it could sweep underneath them,
still calling me a slob.
Well. That’s who I am.
If it weren’t for the staff,
I wouldn’t clean or cook at all.
I’d just run through the forest with children and fairies.
A strange creature — Nate’s wife.
A mad and beautiful woman.
The gods call her a mustang.
Her husband worships her,
and she herself is an alien.
I skipped yoga and boxing
and all my usual rituals.
I controlled nothing.
I accepted the fact that Earth Angels is managing.
That Future Leaders School is managing.
I understood that Carmen, Rosie, Roman are managing.
That Nate…
No. That’s a lie.
I can’t let Nate go.
But Jonathan — my dear Jonathan,
whom I worry about every second that I breathe.
Josh — my brilliant, sharp-minded one.
Cody — my stubborn, beloved human.
Ivy — pure logic and a huge heart.
And of course Sophie —
I don’t worry about her,
she reminds me too much of myself.
And this was the day
when a mad woman decided
that she could exhale.
That not all processes are organized,
not everything is done,
but I will try to exhale.
Thoughts attacked me in waves.
What if?
Wait, didn’t we train for this?
Security said—
No.
No, no, no, guys.
Today I do no-thing.
My bones cramped with pain.
My back arched.
The devil approached me,
and I shook his hand.
“Come on, sit down, friend.
We’re not working today.”
“What???”
He stared at me
and grabbed a grape from my bowl.
“Yeah.”
“What kind of poison is this?
Grapes with seeds?”
He spat it out without looking.
“Yeah.”
“Damn, you look like shit.
Did you gain weight?”
“Yeah, a bit.”
“Aren’t you afraid you’ll get fat
and he’ll leave you?”
“Nope.”
And still, he took another grape.
“Alright, bye.”
“Bye.”
I lay there eating grapes,
thinking whether I should call Carolan —
maybe we could fly together,
I haven’t been a pilot in a long time.
Or maybe not.
And then I went home.
Without talking to anyone.
Straight upstairs.
Under the blanket.
There I took my phone
and watched videos until my brain went numb.
I don’t even remember what they were about.
But my brain said:
this is necessary.
I shrugged.
Alright, boss.
Nate came into the room.
“Kitten?”
“Please. Not now.”
He seemed a little confused,
then left.
Evening turned into night,
and I was completely alone.
I went down to the kitchen
and set out eight glasses:
milk, cookies, cereal, carrots, meat, onion and cabbage,
and of course, charred vegetables.
All of mine were here.
Hundreds of spirits.
And all my offerings for them.
“So. What do you say, guys?”
I ate with my hands, sitting in pajamas.
Total relaxation.
No one to perform for.
I could exhale.
The souls arrived pleased.
“Damn, you’ve really let yourself go.”
“Guys, let’s skip the insults.
I gained three kilos.
That’s not fatal.”
“Aren’t you afraid he’ll leave you?”
“I try to believe that he loves me.”
“Right.
Do you think he’s alone right now?”
“No idea.”
“You’ve changed.”
“Yeah. That’s true.”
“Getting used to your new role?”
“Yeah.
Trying to understand what it’s like —
to just be.”
“Do you think they won’t throw you out of the family?”
“I don’t know.”
“And if they do?”
Everyone started panicking.
“Guys, relax.
If they throw me out —
I’ll live on the street.”
“But we’ll freeze!”
“That won’t be great.”
“Won’t be?
So they already threw us out?!
Oh God, oh God!”
I rolled my eyes.
“Damn it, stop shaking.
Everything’s fine.”
“And if they don’t throw you out,
what will you do?”
“I don’t know.
I really don’t know.”
“You look terrible.
You’re not wearing makeup?”
“And what are you even wearing?”
“Oh. Hi, mom.”
My voices laughed.
“She’s about to start beating you again.”
“Yeah yeah, hilarious.”
“Mom, please go away.
Not now.”
I muted her
and swiped her away.
“Why don’t you listen to her?”
“Hm.
I listened to her once when I was eleven.
And I’ve been paying for it ever since.”
“Want a cigarette?”
“Yeah. Let’s.”
And everyone started smoking.
Guys, how did we even end up on Earth?
This is complete bullshit.
“Well, you decided you were so cool
you’d prove everything to everyone.”
I smirked.
“Yeah.
Sounds like me.”
I remembered my zodiac.
I think I’m kind of a Sagittarius
in some synastry or whatever.
My voices laughed.
“You idiot.
They played you —
and here you are.”
“At least there’s sex here.
I don’t remember that part over there.”
And all of them melted into sweet thoughts.
Damn.
There has to be a healthy line somewhere.
If I weren’t terrified
that Nate would understand
the scale of my desire,
I’d sleep with him nonstop.
“Yeah. That’s true.”
And everyone drifted again
into fantasies about Nate
and sex with him.
“Damn, he’s so good.”
“Oh, I know.”
If he just breathes,
I’m ready to jump him.
“Energy.”
“Yeah.”
I took a drag.
“Guys, how long have we been smoking?”
“No idea.”
“Right.
Anyone want something sweet?”
“Damn, you’ll really get fat.”
“Well. Guess that’s fate.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Yeah. Hold my cigarette.”
“What’s happening to you?”
“Overload.”
“You’re overloaded?”
“Yes. Overload.”
And suddenly I realized:
I’m not a boy.
I carry everything.
I answer for everyone.
“But that’s responsibility.”
“Yeah, guys.
But that’s boys’ responsibility.
Not girls’.”
I think I played this game so long
that I actually believed it.
“But what if you rely on them
and they fail?”
“Then I was wrong about them.”
They nodded.
“Another cigarette.”
“Here.”
I think it’s time
to exhale
and get audacious.
“Exactly.”
“In the good way.”
“What do you mean?”
I will let boys be boys.
“And myself —
I will be allowed
to be unmade-up.”
“Oh my God,
then he’ll leave us.”
“Yeah. That can happen.”
“I’ll get lazy, unattractive,
stop sleeping with him —
he’ll leave.”
“Yeah.”
“Or maybe not.
Maybe that’s not all he needs from me.”
“Who knows.”
“We’ll see.”
“We’ll see,”
I repeated in a whisper.
“Go for a walk?”
“No.”
“Then let’s drive.”
“In what?”
“Let’s take the Porsche.”
And everyone melted again,
remembering how Nate and I
had sex in it.
“That was a great time.”
“Yeah.”
“Someone grab food.”
“You’re sick.
We’re spirits.”
“Damn it.
Fine, then we’ll stop by the store.”
“You’re rich.”
“Yeah. Tons of money.”
“How did you even get here?
I remember when we were barely surviving.”
“Yeah. That happened.”
“So. Let’s go.”
Then Cody came down to the kitchen.
“Uh… are you smoking?”
I looked at the cigarette.
“Yeah. I guess so.”
She waved her hands.
“That’s some smoke in here.”
“Yeah.”
“How are you?”
“Terrible.
I hope you all leave me
and I die.
My nervous system is used to misery,
happy stories are hard for it.”
“Uh… okay.”
“Cody?”
She reached for milk.
“What?”
“Have you ever thought
what would happen
if I stopped being useful?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’d just be a regular person.
No guidance. No shows.
What then?”
She shrugged.
“I don’t know.”
“Would you still love me?”
“How is that related?”
“I feel like you love me for my usefulness.”
She laughed.
“Maybe before.
But now you’re not useful.
You’re just living.”
Think about it —
when was the last time
you really pulled the load?”
“Uh…”
“Exactly.”
She kissed me on the cheek.
“You’ve been loved
just for existing
for a long time now.”
I looked at my voices.
They waved it off.
“I don’t believe her.
She’s lying.”
Fine.
I smoked,
and we drove.
We drove and drove,
and at some point
I stopped on the highway.
My voices vanished.
Not a single one left.
Here you go, Nazokat.
Your fear.
Straight up.
Forest.
You’re alone.
So dark you can’t see a damn thing.
Want to get out of the car?
What if I’m killed immediately?
Silence.
I thought.
Thought again.
Looked around.
Seems empty.
But fear is fear —
we all know where its roots are.
Don’t turn your back.
No matter what happens —
don’t turn your back.
“Oh no.
Leave me alone.
I didn’t agree to transformation.”
The devil went quiet.
Lit a cigarette next to me.
“You’re the strangest client I’ve ever had.”
“Hah.
I don’t even know if that’s a compliment.”
I stood there smoking.
Smoking.
Thinking:
this is it.
My fear.
Then suddenly
a man appeared along the road.
I almost pissed myself.
Back in the car — fast.
The wheels screeched.
I’ll look this fear in the eye
another time.
I came home.
Really home.
To our bedroom.
And there was Nate.
The love of my life.
I kissed the top of his head
and sat beside him.
Will I ever forgive him
for not being there
when he could have been?
When he only watched,
observed,
but didn’t step in?
Will I ever forgive that?
I sighed,
trying to strangle and comfort myself
at the same time,
and went to lie in the bath.
Nate.
Nate.
Nate.
I lit another cigarette.
I don’t even know.
I don’t know.
I’m so strong.
So strong
it becomes a curse.
Alone in my tower.
In men’s heads it’s simple:
if she’s handling it herself,
there’s no need to interfere.
I smirked.
Cowards.
What a pathetic excuse.
Then my voices returned.
I smoked.
They smoked.
“You’re back?”
They laughed nervously.
“Guys, you know what I think?”
They tensed.
“I think it’s time
to get rid of all of you.”
“I hate cowards.”
They swallowed.
I packed my things
and flew away.